kaia: (Lights)
kaia ([personal profile] kaia) wrote2012-05-31 01:57 pm

She said the neon on the river will light my way.

(Posted at my LJ . I'm going to start cross-posting just so I have more than one place to keep posts.)

I've never been much of a planner. For most of my life, I've liked pretending the future was some far off, magical thing that I would one day find by pure luck. For instance, when I first signed up for classes at my community college and was asked to determine a major I sat there at a loss. "What do you MEAN major?" I remember myself thinking and I had no idea what to say. Everyone around me did, though. So, I boldly went up and said pre-med. The reason is the best part. I said pre-med because at the time, because I was obsessed with Grey's Anatomy and somewhere in my mind I was I was thinking about how if I become a doctor maybe I'll find my own Derek. Weird reason, go with me on this. Of course, I found out how much I hated Anatomy and Physiology and actually really don't like sick people, so that was thrown out the window. I also found out I don't even want a Derek (or anyone anytime soon), so that slightly delusional dream was also thrown out the window.

As I was saying though, I don't plan, and then I wonder why I feel like I'm not moving. You have to have something to move toward in order to move, even something small. I applied to my new university on a whim, and it has worked out, but I also wondered why I still felt like I wasn't moving. Here I was, at University finally, and not feeling very happy. It felt just like my community college. And I felt trapped. Sometimes I still feel trapped.

I've never known life without school. Sure, I've had summers but ever since I was five years old I've been in school. College was never a question, and so I signed up for my community college right away. This is the same reason I'm even considering grad school next year. I don't know what to do if I'm not in school. I don't even LIKE school anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love learning and I love hanging out with my classmates, but the pressure of tests, papers, presentations, etc and then walking out of a class not being able to tell you anything I learned? That's not learning. I don't know what that is, but aren't you supposed to have been taught something? That isn't every class I've ever taken, but the vast majority of them.

This is why if I go to grad school, I'm going to make sure it is something that I definitely want to do. And probably abroad. Actually, no probably. If I go to grad school, it will be abroad. It is well time that I pop the bubble I surround myself with and get out in the world.

So, I thought about what is most important to me as of right now. What do I want to accomplish? What do I want to focus on? And I narrowed it down to three. They're not the only things I want to do, but they're the ones that impact everything else; yoga, travel, and graduate. I'm keeping it simple.

I want that groundedness I gain from yoga, that calm. I want to keep improving in my practices and gain the strength to go more poses and gain that control over my body.

I want to travel the world, both near and far. I've started saving money. I used to randomly go to Wal-Mart and buy $20, $30 of things I don't need and while not that much money, if I stop doing that that adds up. I've cut back on drinking, because for as much as I love it, I also have been getting dangerously close to drinking way too much way too often.

I want to graduate. Like I said, grad school is up in the air, but I want to finish what I started. I believe education is important, and I do want my Bachelor's degree.

These are the things I'm going to focus on, and perhaps I'll feel like I'm moving again.