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Dear Should Be,
You are my best friend. This would probably come as a surprise to you, as how could I possibly need you? How could I, the person who prides herself on her independence and indifference to people, rely on you? You've said as much to me before, but the truth is I do need you. I've known it for a long time and I might never tell you, but I do.
The beginning of the friendship may have been rocky, and it probably ended up in a way neither of us quite expected. When I first met you, I was attracted to you. Romantic attraction, that's what I thought it was only to learn later that it was no such thing. When you confessed your feelings before I left for that week, I was ready to say much of the same. Then, something very strong told me no. It wasn't fear of being hurt, it was something else entirely, and so I followed my instincts. I ran and I don't for a second regret that decision. It caused more hurt and frustration for you, but I know without a doubt both of us are better for it.
You are who I run to when I'm upset, even if most of the time you might not realize just how upset I am. You have an idea, of course, but you never push beyond the surface. Perhaps you are afraid I would run, and there is a good chance I would -- but I would come back eventually for I am selfish. It will always be take with me as long as we're friends. I think I may have lost the ability to give. I expect you to always be there for me, but the moment you run to me I immediately attempt to put distance between us once again. No matter how hard I try to prevent it, there is always a voice that yells at me to back away.
I didn't think anyone would fill the void when Shaun and I had our falling out. Well, you haven't filled the void, as no one could but you did help lessen the pain it caused. I miss him, I do. And I wish him and I could go back to what we were -- he was one of the few people in the world I think fully understood me. Something has to be said for the person who will sit up at 5 AM with you making fun of the people walking by. He never knew how much our fights near the end tore me apart, but I refused to chase after him. He'd reach for me and I'd do what I could but there were issues I couldn't save him from. I left him to deal with them alone. Like with you, it was me doing all the taking and him doing all the giving. Perhaps in the end you'll choose the same road he did. Perhaps that is already starting.
The lines between him and I now, I don't think they will ever fully disappear. I am trying -- I sent him a message on Christmas Eve actually. There was such an incredible happiness from that night, and I had to share it with him as it was one I couldn't share with you. It is very slow going, but rebuilding always is and the pieces don't always go back where you want them to.
There is one other thing I won't ever tell you -- you should be the one. You should be the person I want to spend of the rest of my life with, but you're not. You are there when all the others walk out. You've seen a great deal of the issues I try to hide, and you're still here. You may not always understand, but you still attempt to help. Yet, there is nothing romantic there. Instead, I distract myself with the blue eyed manager all the while knowing my heart lies somewhere else entirely -- that whatever this game I'm playing with him is, there is someone else I would always choose over him. It mostly stems out of the lonely frustration of the situation I suppose. He is right here, after all. I don't have to go far to find him, and there is an ease he puts me at, but I know my fascination with him comes solely from the loneliness I thought I was immune to.
I won't chase after you should you decide you have had enough. Call it my incredibly over-inflated ego, but I have always been of the opinion that if someone truly wanted to stay they would -- in either a romantic relationship or friendship, like in our case. As much as I'd be able to live without your friendship, do know that I would miss you.
-Dusk
You are my best friend. This would probably come as a surprise to you, as how could I possibly need you? How could I, the person who prides herself on her independence and indifference to people, rely on you? You've said as much to me before, but the truth is I do need you. I've known it for a long time and I might never tell you, but I do.
The beginning of the friendship may have been rocky, and it probably ended up in a way neither of us quite expected. When I first met you, I was attracted to you. Romantic attraction, that's what I thought it was only to learn later that it was no such thing. When you confessed your feelings before I left for that week, I was ready to say much of the same. Then, something very strong told me no. It wasn't fear of being hurt, it was something else entirely, and so I followed my instincts. I ran and I don't for a second regret that decision. It caused more hurt and frustration for you, but I know without a doubt both of us are better for it.
You are who I run to when I'm upset, even if most of the time you might not realize just how upset I am. You have an idea, of course, but you never push beyond the surface. Perhaps you are afraid I would run, and there is a good chance I would -- but I would come back eventually for I am selfish. It will always be take with me as long as we're friends. I think I may have lost the ability to give. I expect you to always be there for me, but the moment you run to me I immediately attempt to put distance between us once again. No matter how hard I try to prevent it, there is always a voice that yells at me to back away.
I didn't think anyone would fill the void when Shaun and I had our falling out. Well, you haven't filled the void, as no one could but you did help lessen the pain it caused. I miss him, I do. And I wish him and I could go back to what we were -- he was one of the few people in the world I think fully understood me. Something has to be said for the person who will sit up at 5 AM with you making fun of the people walking by. He never knew how much our fights near the end tore me apart, but I refused to chase after him. He'd reach for me and I'd do what I could but there were issues I couldn't save him from. I left him to deal with them alone. Like with you, it was me doing all the taking and him doing all the giving. Perhaps in the end you'll choose the same road he did. Perhaps that is already starting.
The lines between him and I now, I don't think they will ever fully disappear. I am trying -- I sent him a message on Christmas Eve actually. There was such an incredible happiness from that night, and I had to share it with him as it was one I couldn't share with you. It is very slow going, but rebuilding always is and the pieces don't always go back where you want them to.
There is one other thing I won't ever tell you -- you should be the one. You should be the person I want to spend of the rest of my life with, but you're not. You are there when all the others walk out. You've seen a great deal of the issues I try to hide, and you're still here. You may not always understand, but you still attempt to help. Yet, there is nothing romantic there. Instead, I distract myself with the blue eyed manager all the while knowing my heart lies somewhere else entirely -- that whatever this game I'm playing with him is, there is someone else I would always choose over him. It mostly stems out of the lonely frustration of the situation I suppose. He is right here, after all. I don't have to go far to find him, and there is an ease he puts me at, but I know my fascination with him comes solely from the loneliness I thought I was immune to.
I won't chase after you should you decide you have had enough. Call it my incredibly over-inflated ego, but I have always been of the opinion that if someone truly wanted to stay they would -- in either a romantic relationship or friendship, like in our case. As much as I'd be able to live without your friendship, do know that I would miss you.
-Dusk
