kaia: (Lights)
(Posted at my LJ . I'm going to start cross-posting just so I have more than one place to keep posts.)

I've never been much of a planner. For most of my life, I've liked pretending the future was some far off, magical thing that I would one day find by pure luck. For instance, when I first signed up for classes at my community college and was asked to determine a major I sat there at a loss. "What do you MEAN major?" I remember myself thinking and I had no idea what to say. Everyone around me did, though. So, I boldly went up and said pre-med. The reason is the best part. I said pre-med because at the time, because I was obsessed with Grey's Anatomy and somewhere in my mind I was I was thinking about how if I become a doctor maybe I'll find my own Derek. Weird reason, go with me on this. Of course, I found out how much I hated Anatomy and Physiology and actually really don't like sick people, so that was thrown out the window. I also found out I don't even want a Derek (or anyone anytime soon), so that slightly delusional dream was also thrown out the window.

As I was saying though, I don't plan, and then I wonder why I feel like I'm not moving. You have to have something to move toward in order to move, even something small. I applied to my new university on a whim, and it has worked out, but I also wondered why I still felt like I wasn't moving. Here I was, at University finally, and not feeling very happy. It felt just like my community college. And I felt trapped. Sometimes I still feel trapped.

I've never known life without school. Sure, I've had summers but ever since I was five years old I've been in school. College was never a question, and so I signed up for my community college right away. This is the same reason I'm even considering grad school next year. I don't know what to do if I'm not in school. I don't even LIKE school anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love learning and I love hanging out with my classmates, but the pressure of tests, papers, presentations, etc and then walking out of a class not being able to tell you anything I learned? That's not learning. I don't know what that is, but aren't you supposed to have been taught something? That isn't every class I've ever taken, but the vast majority of them.

This is why if I go to grad school, I'm going to make sure it is something that I definitely want to do. And probably abroad. Actually, no probably. If I go to grad school, it will be abroad. It is well time that I pop the bubble I surround myself with and get out in the world.

So, I thought about what is most important to me as of right now. What do I want to accomplish? What do I want to focus on? And I narrowed it down to three. They're not the only things I want to do, but they're the ones that impact everything else; yoga, travel, and graduate. I'm keeping it simple.

I want that groundedness I gain from yoga, that calm. I want to keep improving in my practices and gain the strength to go more poses and gain that control over my body.

I want to travel the world, both near and far. I've started saving money. I used to randomly go to Wal-Mart and buy $20, $30 of things I don't need and while not that much money, if I stop doing that that adds up. I've cut back on drinking, because for as much as I love it, I also have been getting dangerously close to drinking way too much way too often.

I want to graduate. Like I said, grad school is up in the air, but I want to finish what I started. I believe education is important, and I do want my Bachelor's degree.

These are the things I'm going to focus on, and perhaps I'll feel like I'm moving again.
kaia: (Camera)
Dreamwidth, huh?

There has been numerous sites just like LiveJournal I've at least signed up for over the years and most have gone under after a while. DeadJournal is the only one that comes to mind that is still around. But seeing as LiveJournal itself has been horrible to deal with lately, here I am.

I'm Dusk, or Kaia, or Kasey. I answer to any. The later is my real name, but I find it boring. Gamer, yogini, wannabe Vagabond, Biology student, vodka drinker, among other things.

I can kill you in Black Ops!

Actually, probably not, but I am totally great to play games with.

Serious note, I start a new university on the 22nd of August and I owe them 13,600 right now. I have maybe 3,000 in the bank. Whoops. I don't actually make that much in a year. I'm just waiting for Financial Aid to finally get back to me, but I'm trying to prepare for the worst. I've always thought I need to get my degree. I'm too book-smart not to, but lately that interest is waning. Not getting a degree has never been an option. Ever. School has always been an absolute in my life, no question on the necessity of it. And I still understand the importance, in security, in money, just overall, but what if that isn't the life that I want? What if I want a life on the road? What if I don't want to be bound by the amount of money I make?

What if I realize money isn't what makes a person happy?

"Money doesn't bring happiness, but it does bring a lot of comfort." A very wise women said that to me once, and she also said to me, "There is life outside of this county. Explore." I need to e-mail her.

What if I want to be like Matt , and go all over the world and just dance?

A better question than what if is why not? These thoughts almost consume me now. One day, self. I promise you.

If I don't end up having the money for school, or the Financial Aid doesn't come through, I'm going.

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kaia

September 2013

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