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I just mixed my coffee with a packet of hot chocolate. Best decision I've ever made.
So, I've felt like I've been slowly crawling out of a hole these past few days. That's the best way I can describe it. I started falling back into bad habits and I'm snapping out of it. I need to make a compilation of all the things that make me happy or inspire me and put them all in one place for when I fall down.
Life has a sense of humor too. All it took was a name, one letter different from one that I used to think I relied on to pull me back to myself. I saw myself making the same mistakes, and that is really all it took. One name, with one vowel difference. I saw that girl I used to be, for a moment, and I stopped myself from becoming her again. This past year did serve a purpose.
At the beginning of 2011, I thought this was going to be MY year. I mean, 11 is a totally awesome number. This would be the year. All my problems would be solved and I'd be amazing. It was a big goal, for sure, but in some ways I did just that.
I broke free of five years being a lost little puppy, following the same person around. I was even the one that did it. I was brave enough to put my happiness first. And that, is probably the biggest step I've ever taken in my life. I didn't even think it was at the time, but honestly, I don't regret that decision for a second. Some of the outcomes, perhaps, but I would make the same decision a million times again.
I'm not self-conscious anymore. I used to analyze everything in my head, trying to make sure everyone liked me and everyone approved. And for what reason? Honestly, there are some people in this world I would rather not have approve of me anyway. I'm not an awful human being, but I'm not perfect either.
I actually talk to people. Even in simple places like a classroom or waiting in line, I used to be too afraid to do even that. I used to be afraid to even go to stores and talk to sales clerks. That was years and years ago, but still.
I got out of community college. For the record, going to a community college was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Going for as long as I did, not so much, but I am so happy that I went to community college first. I saved so much money. I met some of the most amazing professors in the entire world. That was a huge step too, and stranglely enough, one that I made without thinking at all.
The little girl, who retreated into herself after boy said she was too weird years and years ago finally came back. Not just any boy, THE boy, but it is amazing still seeing remnants of his influence. We didn't even date. But, I guess you can't forget someone you knew for 11 years. I still dream about him, now and again. I guess that's something I'll always do. But that little girl that would dance in the store when an awesome song came on, she does that again now.
Yes, the people at my local Target think I'm insane. They also think I'm an alcoholic. Sometimes you need a bottle of wine after work, or you know, a whole box.
That's another thing I did this year, I drink a lot. But I learned not to drink while depressed or sad, because then I feel more sad and miserable. The solution to problems is not at the bottom of a bottle. Or box. I just end up more sad and depressed. I also wake up in strange places in my house with bags of puke next to me and then feel misable the next day too. So, only happy drinking for me.
"I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free." I bawled like a little baby watching this movie over the weekend.
So, I've felt like I've been slowly crawling out of a hole these past few days. That's the best way I can describe it. I started falling back into bad habits and I'm snapping out of it. I need to make a compilation of all the things that make me happy or inspire me and put them all in one place for when I fall down.
Life has a sense of humor too. All it took was a name, one letter different from one that I used to think I relied on to pull me back to myself. I saw myself making the same mistakes, and that is really all it took. One name, with one vowel difference. I saw that girl I used to be, for a moment, and I stopped myself from becoming her again. This past year did serve a purpose.
At the beginning of 2011, I thought this was going to be MY year. I mean, 11 is a totally awesome number. This would be the year. All my problems would be solved and I'd be amazing. It was a big goal, for sure, but in some ways I did just that.
I broke free of five years being a lost little puppy, following the same person around. I was even the one that did it. I was brave enough to put my happiness first. And that, is probably the biggest step I've ever taken in my life. I didn't even think it was at the time, but honestly, I don't regret that decision for a second. Some of the outcomes, perhaps, but I would make the same decision a million times again.
I'm not self-conscious anymore. I used to analyze everything in my head, trying to make sure everyone liked me and everyone approved. And for what reason? Honestly, there are some people in this world I would rather not have approve of me anyway. I'm not an awful human being, but I'm not perfect either.
I actually talk to people. Even in simple places like a classroom or waiting in line, I used to be too afraid to do even that. I used to be afraid to even go to stores and talk to sales clerks. That was years and years ago, but still.
I got out of community college. For the record, going to a community college was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Going for as long as I did, not so much, but I am so happy that I went to community college first. I saved so much money. I met some of the most amazing professors in the entire world. That was a huge step too, and stranglely enough, one that I made without thinking at all.
The little girl, who retreated into herself after boy said she was too weird years and years ago finally came back. Not just any boy, THE boy, but it is amazing still seeing remnants of his influence. We didn't even date. But, I guess you can't forget someone you knew for 11 years. I still dream about him, now and again. I guess that's something I'll always do. But that little girl that would dance in the store when an awesome song came on, she does that again now.
Yes, the people at my local Target think I'm insane. They also think I'm an alcoholic. Sometimes you need a bottle of wine after work, or you know, a whole box.
That's another thing I did this year, I drink a lot. But I learned not to drink while depressed or sad, because then I feel more sad and miserable. The solution to problems is not at the bottom of a bottle. Or box. I just end up more sad and depressed. I also wake up in strange places in my house with bags of puke next to me and then feel misable the next day too. So, only happy drinking for me.
"I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free." I bawled like a little baby watching this movie over the weekend.
