The dirty face of gold behind the crooked line, where you never knew you'd go....

Once upon a time, I had another LJ. Two, actually. This was years ago, when I was at one of the lowest points I have been in my life. I hadn't posted on LJ in a long time, probably at least a year. Having no where else to go, I went to the only place I could even think of to reach out to anyone that I could. What follows behind the cut is that post. It is long (and my actual post is already going to be long too) and I'm not really expecting anyone to read it, but I figured I'd attach it anyway since I'm going to be talking about it for those that have any interest in my old school drunken ramblings.

( ....headed for the open door.  )

To set the scene, I had been at my community college for four years at that point, with no idea how to even think about going to university, or even if I would ever get into one. Not a good one, ANY. I was afraid to even apply because I didn't know what the rejection would do it me. I had no friends, at least not actual friends. Anyone I considered a friend was long gone from my community college, and let's not even go into online friends. I didn't really have those either. I had two guys I held onto for dear life. I was working where I work now, but I felt like a failure in every way there and one of the managers at the time would not let me forget it. I turned to alcohol for comfort. I could hardly go to the store on my own because of how afraid I was of people. So, needless to say, I was not at a good place in my life.

Recent conversations with my sister brought this post to mind. My younger sister, who always seemed so much more capable than I was (and she let me know it on every occasion too) and much more confident, has found herself in a similar situation. The difference is she doesn't use alcohol, she uses much more powerful drugs and faces demons I never had to, but she also has a support system I never did. I was alone, and she has multiple hands reaching to save her. The choice to take them is hers though. Talking to her, until 5AM, and hearing the words coming from my mouth was surreal. I have grown.

I've been trying to pinpoint what it was for me that changed, what pulled me out of that hole I was in and got me to this point right now. I didn't suddenly wake up one morning and everything was fixed. I don't think there was one thing that did it, but rather the mixture of what has happened from then to now.

That manager left where I work, as well as most of the people that used to work there, and I have become one of the most solid workers there. I became a sales person, and that is something I never thought I'd be. That job changed from the incredibly socially awkward person I was, to someone that can make conversation with anyone. I wouldn't even talk to people I had known for years on a voice chat program, and now I'll chat it up with guildmates I don't even know. I had to say goodbye to my old boss there and I miss her, but my current boss is amazing.

Those two guys I mentioned following around? I thought I was in love with one of them, and I dated him. Then, I broke up with him. I was so terrified of losing him long before we ever dated, and he gave me a glimpse into a life I didn't want. So, I did something I never thought I'd do. I left. I left and I haven't had a point in my life where I've ever been happier. My sister likes to mention him to me even though it has been a year or so, since he keeps in touch with her to have a link to me, or I think it started as that. It bothered me at first, but now, it really doesn't. If he wants that connection to me, fine, but I think she is helping him through some of his issues and he is helping her. I can't be there for that, so I am grateful that he has her. I will admit, I was surprised at feeling that way, but I actually do. She did mention that she thinks he is still holding out for me, despite the years, and the selfish part of me liked hearing it. Who doesn't want to hear that they're hard to forget? The unselfish part doesn't want that at all, because I wouldn't want him to want were our places reversed. I want him to be happy, and my happiness isn't ever going to be with him. If you had told me that when I wrote that post there, I would've never believed you. I would've never believed I would come to have a life where he didn't belong.

I graduated from a university, and those years I spent at my community college were worth it. I met two of the most amazing professors I have ever had in the end, and without the one, I don't know if I would've found the push I needed to make it to my university. And I have friends now. I found friends at my university, and they are amazing. I also found that some of the people I ignored in the past became some of the best online friends I have now. The people that stick with you, even the bad times, they're the ones worth it.

I quit World of Warcraft, and with no regrets and no bitterness behind me. I still love WoW and had a lot of good times playing the game, but some things you just grow out of, and I grew out of WoW.

And the best part? I'm going to travel. I'm going to South East Asia, out of my comfort zone, on the other side of the world. I know the coming months are going to be full of debate for me and full of wondering if I'm making the right decision, but I think the hardest part is going to be getting myself there. The easy part will be being there. This is something I have to do for myself.