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For being the middle of an unexpected 6 days of work in a row with some awful cramps and a corporate visit looming over in the distance, I'm in a relatively good mood.
I don't know if it the new month, or just me finally waking up, but I'm back to my old self. I had my passport photos taken and plan to go drop everything off this coming week (when I get a day off). Work doesn't bother me when I have a purpose, when I know that money is going to get me someplace different. Visualizing myself and how it will feel to land in Bangkok or see Halong Bay for the first time has made all the difference. I could see myself making a vlog to post on Facebook as I a sat there on the shore, maybe that is what turned me around. Visualization is a powerful tool.
The other day I somehow ended up back at my community college. It really was a spur of the moment thing. I went from just going out to getting my passport photo to feeling the need to go walk the bike trails I used to on an almost daily basis. I hadn't been back since I left those 2 years ago. For as small a thing as getting my passport photo, it is a step in the direction I have been dreaming of going for years. It made sense to go back to one of the places that brought me so much comfort in the past after taking that first real step to the future.
Those nature trails were the best part of my community college. Between classes, I would just go walk. There is no way for me to feel sad when I'm outside in the sunshine, surrounded by trees, with the wind blowing, and I used that every chance I got back then. If there was anything I would've taken with me from my community college, it is those trails. They were my secret. They were my haven, from the bench a mile or so from the start of the trail I would spend some lunch breaks to the secret lake near the end of the trail to the black-hawk drills that occurred overhead, as the airport I frequented when I was little is just over the treeline. That place was mine, and going back made me realize it still is. It holds the same comfort for me as it did 2 years ago.
Being in a familiar place makes thinking so much easier. Knowing what was ahead let me actually think about the things I've been avoiding thinking about for a while now. This is what I do, I go between knowing I am absolutely making the right decision by going to Southeast Asia and debating in my head if it actually is, or if I could actually pull it off. This is what that hour of walking made me realize, and I'm going to put it here for those moments when I do doubt.
I know there will be more, and this is what I need to remember. So here, self. I'm not even drinking right now either.
I could let this opportunity pass me by, and I could let the fear win. I could very easily stay where I am right now and never strive for anything more, and I could live a pleasant life. All of that would be easy. It isn't like I'm unhappy right now. I know though, without any doubt, I would regret not getting on that plane every single day for the rest of my life. Every single day. This is one of those life-defining moments, and I have the choice. I can stay here and continue life in this haze, or I can go and see what else is out there. I could let the voices in my head saying I can't do it win. That would be easy, that would be safe. I could take that manager position at work and not have to go through the hardest goodbye of my life. I could do all of that, but I'm not going to. I didn't break the heart of someone who once held so much importance to me and win my freedom back to be stopped before I even start. This is it. This is that moment in life where I can decide to just get through it, or find that adventure I have always dreamed of.
Oh, and I took pictures that day on the trail cause pictures are fun.
( Gonna reach up higher, gonna feel flames, gonna live and die along the way. )
I don't know if it the new month, or just me finally waking up, but I'm back to my old self. I had my passport photos taken and plan to go drop everything off this coming week (when I get a day off). Work doesn't bother me when I have a purpose, when I know that money is going to get me someplace different. Visualizing myself and how it will feel to land in Bangkok or see Halong Bay for the first time has made all the difference. I could see myself making a vlog to post on Facebook as I a sat there on the shore, maybe that is what turned me around. Visualization is a powerful tool.
The other day I somehow ended up back at my community college. It really was a spur of the moment thing. I went from just going out to getting my passport photo to feeling the need to go walk the bike trails I used to on an almost daily basis. I hadn't been back since I left those 2 years ago. For as small a thing as getting my passport photo, it is a step in the direction I have been dreaming of going for years. It made sense to go back to one of the places that brought me so much comfort in the past after taking that first real step to the future.
Those nature trails were the best part of my community college. Between classes, I would just go walk. There is no way for me to feel sad when I'm outside in the sunshine, surrounded by trees, with the wind blowing, and I used that every chance I got back then. If there was anything I would've taken with me from my community college, it is those trails. They were my secret. They were my haven, from the bench a mile or so from the start of the trail I would spend some lunch breaks to the secret lake near the end of the trail to the black-hawk drills that occurred overhead, as the airport I frequented when I was little is just over the treeline. That place was mine, and going back made me realize it still is. It holds the same comfort for me as it did 2 years ago.
Being in a familiar place makes thinking so much easier. Knowing what was ahead let me actually think about the things I've been avoiding thinking about for a while now. This is what I do, I go between knowing I am absolutely making the right decision by going to Southeast Asia and debating in my head if it actually is, or if I could actually pull it off. This is what that hour of walking made me realize, and I'm going to put it here for those moments when I do doubt.
I know there will be more, and this is what I need to remember. So here, self. I'm not even drinking right now either.
I could let this opportunity pass me by, and I could let the fear win. I could very easily stay where I am right now and never strive for anything more, and I could live a pleasant life. All of that would be easy. It isn't like I'm unhappy right now. I know though, without any doubt, I would regret not getting on that plane every single day for the rest of my life. Every single day. This is one of those life-defining moments, and I have the choice. I can stay here and continue life in this haze, or I can go and see what else is out there. I could let the voices in my head saying I can't do it win. That would be easy, that would be safe. I could take that manager position at work and not have to go through the hardest goodbye of my life. I could do all of that, but I'm not going to. I didn't break the heart of someone who once held so much importance to me and win my freedom back to be stopped before I even start. This is it. This is that moment in life where I can decide to just get through it, or find that adventure I have always dreamed of.
Oh, and I took pictures that day on the trail cause pictures are fun.
( Gonna reach up higher, gonna feel flames, gonna live and die along the way. )
