kaia

One month down, three to go. Three months is a long time, but it'll be over in the blink of an eye.

Almost everyday at work now, as I'm making conversation with patients, I get asked what I'm doing after I graduate. I realized the answer changes every time, except for one thing: travel. One day, I'll tell someone about how I want to be an epidemiologist. The next I'll tell someone I want to be a microbiologist. Some people, I'll be completely honest with and tell them I have no idea. None are lies. I would like to be all of those things. Just, I'm not ready to settle into a career. The one constant is that I tell people I'm traveling to Peru. I get mixed reactions. Many people immediately say "GO FOR IT!". Others ask questions. Others think I'm joking. Others, like Doc who has traveled extensively,

And you want a confession here? There is a part of me that doubts I will get there. There always has been. I comfort myself with thoughts of myself doing it, but never do I actually SEE myself doing it. I say I'm saving up for it, and while I have cut back on my spending, I haven't taken proactive measures. There is a part of me so afraid of change and so afraid of what I would do once I started to see my dreams come true. Staying in my comfort zone is easy. Staying where I know I am safe is easy. Talking about it is easy. It is doing it that is hard. I read female solo travel blogs and wish I was that brave, wish I could just take the leap. I wish that it was simple as an old LJ friend said, "just book a ticket and go."

The joy I felt when I finally took a good look at flight costs today to not only Peru, but around the world, and realized I can do this, let me tell you, I have not had something feel so right in a long time. If I wanted to right now, I could get on that plane and go. I have the money saved and then some. I could do it right now if I didn't have school. Which, that isn't an excuse. I'm not going to up and leave when I'm finishing my last semester. That has to be first.

I talked about India today with a friend of mine whose family is from there, and who goes back every few years was one of the best I've had in a long while. Talking to my other two friends after she had to go to class about flights all over the world in the goofy manner I've realized I do things in. The two of them walked down to our spot and found my lounging on one of the couches. I jumped up right away, with a "You guys have to hear about I just spent the last hour doing!" To which they both said, "Well, it wasn't studying Biochem."

No, it was looking at flight costs and get this, actually figuring out ways to manage my money. I am one of those people that kind of does it in their head. Just like counting calories, and you know what? It doesn't work that way. So, I have excel spreadsheets. I have a finance app on my phone. I'm going to start seeing where my money is going and cut where I can. It means not spending $30 at Target on nothing. It means that I stop going out to eat, which my body will thank me for. I can save money without doing this, but I want to. It goes beyond travel, it starts a better lifestyle. It means my money stops being spent on foods that make my body want to kill me later that day. (Looking at you, 10lb of cheese fries!) It means not spending money on things I don't need or really want and am just bored and at Target/Walmart. It means only buying coffee on the days I'm actually in need of an energy boost. I've been working out lately too, which is the ultimate mood booster.

It doesn't mean that I fall into a NO I CAN'T SPEND MONEY ON ANYTHING habit, but be smart about it. For instance, I have SO many games on Steam. Many of which are hardly touched. Do I really need to buy that new game coming out RIGHT NOW when I could for much cheaper months later? Now, Starcraft: Heart of the Swarm in an exception to that, but that's just it. It means not limiting myself to nothing. It means limiting myself to the things I really want. It means I'll go out and buy Jillian Michael's new book, but not random into Barnes and Noble and walk out with $60 of books I haven't even read (true story).

It doesn't matter how terrified I am about the future, or how much pressure I feel to go secure that job after I graduate. It doesn't matter that I have NO IDEA what I'm going to do when I come back. There is something telling me I need to go. I can't stay in my bubble forever. And even if it isn't until this time next year, or this summer, or whenever I finally pick a date, I'm going. I have to, but more importantly, I want to.