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I pictured this summer much differently than it turned out. I had all these big plans after I graduated. I was going to go hiking at least once a week. I was going to go to the city every weekend I could. I was going to actually get fit and not sit around. I wasn't to go 3 days without leaving the house. I was going to change into that person I always saw myself after graduating. Somehow, life would just suddenly make sense.
It doesn't. It doesn't even feel like it should almost be September. I'm still stuck somewhere in May.
There was such a surreal feeling, driving by the university on my way to work the first day of classes and knowing I wasn't going there. I'd be lying if I said a part of me wasn't slightly jealous of the people there. Only slightly though. I could always hide behind the fact I still had however many years/months left of school. I could hide that I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life even after however many years of college. Of course, I wouldn't trade this feeling of knowing summer vacation is pretty much eternal for me now. I guess that's the joy of working while going to school, not having both makes it always feel like vacation. It's just, hiding is easier. Dreaming about all the places you'll go and all the things you'll do is actually easier than doing them.
When I was younger, I always thought I'd have to all figured out by now. I went to college because I didn't even realize there was any other option. That isn't to say I regret college in any way, it was just never a choice for me. It was more of a natural progression. My parents talked about college from such a young age. To me, it was normal. Even now, having a college degree doesn't feel like anything. I know it is a big accomplishment, but it just didn't feel like it for me. I don't even know if I want a job even related to Biology anymore. Actually, I don't know if I ever did. I don't know what I want a job in. At 25, you'd think I'd have half a clue.
I think about all the things I'm good at and all the things I enjoy, but none of it sticks. I play tons of video games, but I have no interest in designing them. Talking about them, sure. I wouldn't even know where to begin making a career out of that though. I like writing, but I wouldn't consider myself very good. It is something I've always done for myself. I like interacting with people, but get distant and somewhat surly when I have to spend days on end dealing with people.
The only certainty I have is I can't stay here, how and where I am. The past month has proved that to me more than ever. I see the annoyance at the drama at work and the glimpses into a corporate world I'm more than happy to leave behind me. The drunken nights that used to bring temporary happiness no longer do. I just end up wishing I hadn't even started drinking at all. The days I feel alive are the ones that inspire me; days like the Pride Parade, going to the Renaissance Faire, spending a weekend wandering around Chicago, sharing a drink while reconnecting with an old friend, and the views I see while hiking. Maybe that's why I've been so irritable lately, I haven't had any of those days since last month. At least next Saturday I'm going to the Renaissance Faire for closing weekend and my cousin's wedding is little over a month away. After that, it's a little over a month until my trip. It's a little over a month until I'm free.
It doesn't. It doesn't even feel like it should almost be September. I'm still stuck somewhere in May.
There was such a surreal feeling, driving by the university on my way to work the first day of classes and knowing I wasn't going there. I'd be lying if I said a part of me wasn't slightly jealous of the people there. Only slightly though. I could always hide behind the fact I still had however many years/months left of school. I could hide that I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life even after however many years of college. Of course, I wouldn't trade this feeling of knowing summer vacation is pretty much eternal for me now. I guess that's the joy of working while going to school, not having both makes it always feel like vacation. It's just, hiding is easier. Dreaming about all the places you'll go and all the things you'll do is actually easier than doing them.
When I was younger, I always thought I'd have to all figured out by now. I went to college because I didn't even realize there was any other option. That isn't to say I regret college in any way, it was just never a choice for me. It was more of a natural progression. My parents talked about college from such a young age. To me, it was normal. Even now, having a college degree doesn't feel like anything. I know it is a big accomplishment, but it just didn't feel like it for me. I don't even know if I want a job even related to Biology anymore. Actually, I don't know if I ever did. I don't know what I want a job in. At 25, you'd think I'd have half a clue.
I think about all the things I'm good at and all the things I enjoy, but none of it sticks. I play tons of video games, but I have no interest in designing them. Talking about them, sure. I wouldn't even know where to begin making a career out of that though. I like writing, but I wouldn't consider myself very good. It is something I've always done for myself. I like interacting with people, but get distant and somewhat surly when I have to spend days on end dealing with people.
The only certainty I have is I can't stay here, how and where I am. The past month has proved that to me more than ever. I see the annoyance at the drama at work and the glimpses into a corporate world I'm more than happy to leave behind me. The drunken nights that used to bring temporary happiness no longer do. I just end up wishing I hadn't even started drinking at all. The days I feel alive are the ones that inspire me; days like the Pride Parade, going to the Renaissance Faire, spending a weekend wandering around Chicago, sharing a drink while reconnecting with an old friend, and the views I see while hiking. Maybe that's why I've been so irritable lately, I haven't had any of those days since last month. At least next Saturday I'm going to the Renaissance Faire for closing weekend and my cousin's wedding is little over a month away. After that, it's a little over a month until my trip. It's a little over a month until I'm free.
