I won’t cry for yesterday, there’s an ordinary world somehow I have to find.

[kaia]

Relevant gif is relevant.

I thought the end would feel different. Leaving my job, I thought I would feel something. Getting on that plane back to Chicago, I thought I would feel something too. I was just thinking about how much I did not want to sit in a plane for 12 hours, and when was dinner because I was hungry.

I like how big I make things in my head, and then when those moments come all I’m thinking about is food.

My last days in Istanbul, I kept commenting on how it didn’t feel like the end. My great adventure was ending, and I wasn’t sad. I should be sad, I thought. I wasn’t happy, but there wasn’t the crippling sadness I was expecting either. There was just this sort of acceptance, of knowing that it was time, and that was okay.

It took one of the songs I connect with leaving WoW behind playing to start playing on the plane for me to start thinking about why. Go with me here. There were times I would like to deny it, but WoW was a defining factor in my life at one point. Rather than be ashamed, I’ve started to embrace that. I would not be who I am right now if I hadn’t played WoW, and I like who I am.

Anyway, I still get nostalgic for those days now and again. There are days that I want to go back, and have tried actually. The thing is, those days are gone. They happened, and I have good memories from them, but no matter how awesome they were they are over. It is the same for this trip. I will always look back and smile at the memories, but I can’t go back to those moments.

It is a bittersweet ache, longing for days and places you know no longer exist. The places, sure, they’re still there. Places alone aren’t what make memories though, it is the people. I could go back to any of those places, and it wouldn’t cure that ache. The most important places to me tend to revolve around people met there.

Right now, I’m longing for those final days in Bangkok with my Songkran group. I miss Bangkok, but I miss that group so much more. There will definitely be a separate post on that, because Songkran was the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m longing for sitting up on that roof in Istanbul with Riley, and watching his upside down smile as he would look at me while he lounged on the bench.

If I hadn’t left Bangkok, I would haven’t met Riley though. I wouldn’t have danced until 4am in the middle of Istanbul. If I hadn’t walked away from someone long ago, I wouldn’t have even of thought about getting on that plane.

One adventure ends, but it definitely won’t be my last.

Comments

[nadirri.livejournal.com]

"It is a bittersweet ache, longing for days and places you know no longer exist." - I think i know what you mean. I have that ache quite often, for things and places and people i left in the past. Everything exists only once, in that moment of time only, once it's gone - it's gone, and all we can do is long for it and remember it.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

Exactly. I used to get so upset, knowing I couldn't go back to the times I miss, but that's just life. More awesome moments will come, just got to keep going to get to them!

[mcgoggins.livejournal.com]

By no means have I traveled as extensively or for as long as you did on this trip, but when we spent a month in Spain/Portugal, I had this dread of the trip coming to an end. While I was there, the things I was seeing and doing, made me not want to go home, and made me think how hard it was going to be when we boarded the plane and landed in Seattle. And surprisingly, our last night in Spain, I felt a bit of relief, like "Aah, time to go home tomorrow". I wasn't expecting that, at all. In all honesty, at that time in my life, I had nothing to look forward to when I got home. No job to return to, no family to see. In fact, I had to start looking for work and figure out my life at 24 years old.

The more and more I reminisce about the trip, especially now that it's 6 years ago, I have such good (and bad) memories of the time we had. If we recreated that trip down to the exact days, places we stayed, etc., we'd probably have a whole new set of memories and tales to tell. Nothing will ever make those days 6 years ago happen again. I'm fortunate in that I'll never ever forget that month, because I have a published book that details everything about it, but yeah, I can only reminisce. I can't relive.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean. There were moments of almost panic when I sat there thinking about going home. I did not want to, but then coming home has been really easy. I did make plans while overseas to keep myself busy, but I kind of expected the transition to be harder. In some ways, I'm really happy to be home. Sure, it probably would've been fun to keep going, but coming home at the time I did just felt right.

[night-owl-9.livejournal.com]

The fact that experiences of all sorts can be so transient, so fleeting, is bittersweet, I must agree. I feel the same about London, Paris, Rome, and Wales; I loved talking to locals and being around the culture. I felt as if I was in a different world, and yet I wasn't.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

I guess one of the things that make those moments so awesome are that they have to end. Otherwise, they wouldn't really mean as much. It is amazing how different a place can be, yet so much more familiar than you ever thought.

[ragnarok-08.livejournal.com]

It is a bittersweet ache, longing for days and places you know no longer exist. The places, sure, they’re still there.

I know that feeling, for the places that seem too good to be true, that they are places that are so different from what we usually know.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

I'm looking forward to the next days I'll miss. <3

[softy5310.livejournal.com]

Wow. I love your posts!! Some of them are so moving and this one too, makes a lot fo sense to me. I know what you mean about when you look back, what you remember mostare people. Places alone do not make memories.
Hugs and good luck with your new adventure!!
Dawnielle

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

Aww thanks, Dawnielle! People are really what made my entire trip amazing. Just knowing that there are people out there like them, it's a definite comfort to me.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

I definitely will! <3

Soon! Oh Riley. It's amazing how just one day with someone can stay with you.