House on fire, leave it all behind you.

[kaia]

So, it wasn't the next day but here is Star Lord in all his glory. It was cloudy so you can't see the sparkles, which are one of the main reasons I even named him Star Lord. But that's my new car.

It actually felt much better to buy a car than I thought. I never really understood how people could get attached to their cars, but oh, I totally do now. Me and him, we're going places.

It's kind of funny and slightly sad, but when I was younger I could go days without really leaving the house. Well, my room, in particular. I didn't really wander around my house either. There were summers in high school I didn't go anywhere, and I don't remember it ever affecting me. I don't remember ever getting depressed or even lonely. It was how I preffered it. I was a self-proclaimed hermit, and it worked back then.

I had three days in a row off from work last week, kind of like a mini-vacation. Despite plans to actually go out and do something, I didn't. I stayed here, and that was great for about a day and a half. Then this weird, awful feeling started creeping up on me. There will always be days I just wake up and wish I didn't have to get out of bed. For whatever reason, there are just days that aren't good. Thankfully, those do tend to be few and far inbetween. This wasn't one of those feelings. It was one of those dark, awful types of feelings that I used to be so good at pretending weren't there and would just go away if I sat at my computer long enough. And they always did, somehow. This time though, it didn't start going away well into a few days of being back at work.

The funny thing is that my downfall now is when I get time to stop and think. When I was in Asia, that was a positive thing. Maybe it was all the long bus rides or actually sitting down almost every day to write something, but everything seemed so clear then. I'd go home and I'd get a job that pays more than my old job, and I'd pay off all my loans. I'd be gone again in another year. Or, at the very least, I wouldn't be exactly where I was four years ago. I remember looking out those bus windows so clearly and just being content to watch the scenery go by as the karaoke blasted in the background.

And in some ways, I'm not exactly where I was four years ago. I can't say I'm the same person I was back then. I'm not at the same store. I'm a manager, which is forcing me to not be so complacent. I can't put things off or pass off trouble customers to the managers anymore. Hopefully, once I get my tax check back I'll be able to pay off all of my Parent PLUS loan and only (lol only) have the loans in my name. And ideally, paid off in 3-4 years at my current rate.

It's just 3-4 years is a long time. I don't want to be working at the same job for four years again. I want to find something that I am really passionate about. Or, pursue those things I am passionate about. I want to stop being afraid of change, and of leaving the past behind.

I do think I need that sense of unease I get at times. I think it'll be that that finally pushes me out of this comfort bubble and onto better things. That want to be better than I currently am is something I am incredibly grateful for, because it hasn't always been there. I think the fact I can't sit around for days anymore is a good thing, but man, there are days I really miss being able to just disappear into a video game and a bottle of wine and not come out for a week.

Is this what growing up is?

Comments

[dixonvixen.livejournal.com]

Growing up SUCKS! But I love that you named your car Star Lord!! My truck is called Black Betty after the song :D My previous black truck was also named that. :D

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

Haha, I struggled at first. I debated naming him Loki and putting all this fun Loki stuff on him. Star Lord fits him much better I think. <3