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Dear wanderer-by,
So rather than just jump right into something substantial, I decided to once again talk about myself, because hey, I like talking about myself. It is therapeutic in a way.
I have a very high opinion of myself, not in a cocky or arrogant way, though I can be both, but more in expecting a great deal of myself way. Making mistakes or being wrong is something I take very hard, though most wouldn't know it. The intense shame from even something minor hidden behind a smirk, a shrug, and a cool confidence I try to perfect. Pretending nothing can touch you almost makes it true.
Almost.
Perhaps the laid-back air and the sarcasm are both a wall -- a defense I put up to shield myself from harm in a world I only return to when I must, or perhaps just keeping people guessing is something I find amusing, as little much else in this world does. I continue my education because it's feels like something I should be doing and I work because it's something I must do. And when it's all said and done, I disappear back into whatever world I feel like that day and go where my mind takes me, whether that be a world of my own creation or of one found in a video game, a movie, a TV show, or a book.
Perhaps some would find that sad in a way, but truth be told, with some exception, I could not be happier nor am I lonely. I have very few I would consider friends, but the weight in which that word is held in my mind may not be so great for everyone. I have many acquaintances, people that if a class is cancelled I could call up and go to lunch with or chat with at work, but very very few I actually consider to be a friend. I've always been somewhat of a loner. Even surrounded by people, there is always a distance I try to keep. Always a barrier, for as much as most people do not understand me, I do not understand other people.
If I'm so happy, you might wonder why I would bother with something like that at all. Why not fade back into another galaxy and find comfort? And the truth is, I may be happy but how long can one wander through this life with no direction? I'd like to think that it was possible to do forever -- but there comes a point where you can't let the tide just take you where it will. And while I have no intent of giving up that happiness that comes from pretending, I also have to press forward and forge a life for myself. So here I am, attempting to find a way to reconnect back to this reality and this here, this is one small link of many.
-Dusk
So rather than just jump right into something substantial, I decided to once again talk about myself, because hey, I like talking about myself. It is therapeutic in a way.
I have a very high opinion of myself, not in a cocky or arrogant way, though I can be both, but more in expecting a great deal of myself way. Making mistakes or being wrong is something I take very hard, though most wouldn't know it. The intense shame from even something minor hidden behind a smirk, a shrug, and a cool confidence I try to perfect. Pretending nothing can touch you almost makes it true.
Almost.
Perhaps the laid-back air and the sarcasm are both a wall -- a defense I put up to shield myself from harm in a world I only return to when I must, or perhaps just keeping people guessing is something I find amusing, as little much else in this world does. I continue my education because it's feels like something I should be doing and I work because it's something I must do. And when it's all said and done, I disappear back into whatever world I feel like that day and go where my mind takes me, whether that be a world of my own creation or of one found in a video game, a movie, a TV show, or a book.
Perhaps some would find that sad in a way, but truth be told, with some exception, I could not be happier nor am I lonely. I have very few I would consider friends, but the weight in which that word is held in my mind may not be so great for everyone. I have many acquaintances, people that if a class is cancelled I could call up and go to lunch with or chat with at work, but very very few I actually consider to be a friend. I've always been somewhat of a loner. Even surrounded by people, there is always a distance I try to keep. Always a barrier, for as much as most people do not understand me, I do not understand other people.
If I'm so happy, you might wonder why I would bother with something like that at all. Why not fade back into another galaxy and find comfort? And the truth is, I may be happy but how long can one wander through this life with no direction? I'd like to think that it was possible to do forever -- but there comes a point where you can't let the tide just take you where it will. And while I have no intent of giving up that happiness that comes from pretending, I also have to press forward and forge a life for myself. So here I am, attempting to find a way to reconnect back to this reality and this here, this is one small link of many.
-Dusk
