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There are days I miss having a best friend -- to have that person that you know will be there when you're upset. I'm not upset, but nostalgia had me looking back on those times, on those people. I have always been a somewhat hard person to get close to, this is something that is not lost on me. Though, there are many that think it is. I'm difficult, there is no other word for it. I have many friends, but there is always a distance I keep people at. I've always had a bit of an independent streak, a bit of a loner in me. I do enjoy the company of others, but I am also incredibly particular at what I give to other people.
My best friend growing up was a girl named Kelly. Well, it really wasn't growing up. I wish I had had a best friend that I knew since I was just a little, little girl, but I had a boy I thought I loved all those years instead, but that is a story for another time. He is a chapter in my life all to himself, perhaps even an entire book. Kelly, her and I met in our last years before high school and bonded in our fear of the future. What carefree those days actually were, getting in trouble all at school together and spending all night on the phone and every weekend at each other's house. I was a strange little girl, but she and I fit rather well. It seems like another lifetime ago now. We went to different high schools, and as desperately as we tried to remain close we drifted apart. Slowly at first, and then entirely. She is married now, for a few years actually. She was incredibly young at the time, and it threw me for a bit of a loop when I received the invitation. She is happy though. Those scared little girls are gone now, however, and our lives are at completely different places. We talk every now again, but nothing much past the 'how are you?'.
Next was Shaun, but I'm going to skip over him for just a minute and go onto the person after Shaun. We'll call him Tim. There was a void after Shaun, and that is where Tim came in. I'm hesitant to say he was someone I'd call a best friend, but there were things I told him that I could tell no one else. What I liked about him was that if I said jump, he'd jump. If I was upset, he was right there. If I needed something, there he was. There was a comfort in it. He would push issues I would rather leave buried, and there is some gratitude there for him -- for making me confront that which I did not wish to. But such things are not meant to last, and he confessed that he had grown to care about me in a way I did not care about him. What a shame it is that we can't make ourselves fall in love with the people that probably would good for us. He got angry and lashed out, saying goodbye. And I don't blame him for it, it hurts to stay near someone you want to be with but doesn't want to be with you. It does. He disappeared, and I felt nothing for his absence. He texted me out of the blue a few weeks ago, with an apology in hand so we still speak, but there in a selfishness in wanting to talk about those people that would hurt him to hear about. And I'm done hurting him.
Shaun, now he is who I miss more than anyone. I've always gotten along much better with guys, I think. Not to say I haven't had a great deal of female friends, guys have just been easier to connect with. It was a few years ago so I don't quite remember how him and I fell together, as I remember knowing him for a rather long time but never actually talking. It was rather sudden, one day we were pretty close to strangers and the next we were inseparable. I think it may have had to do with him wanting to date a close friend of mine, but there is no certainty in that. Regardless, he was who I ran to. He was my person. The world would upset me for whatever reason and the first person I would seek out was him. Even just his presence was a comfort to me. He shared my somewhat warped sense of humor and we fit, not in a romantic way, but he was a kindred spirit. Through his rather hard break-up with a friend of mine, and my denial in caring for the guy I was entangled with at the time, we forged a rather close friendship. There is something to be said for the person who will spend an entire summer with you, sitting on a shitty, for lack of a better word, video game until the sun came up and never run out of words to say. We talked of everything, and he understood me in a way I don't think anyone else ever has. In the end, there were shadows that, despite my every effort, I could not save him from. Our fallout, I remember the arguments and I remember them tearing me apart. My ability to fake my indifference when my pride is on the line, that may end up being my undoing just yet. I remember the frustration at wanting so much for him to be happy and for him to see the light at the end of the tunnel I saw. All he could see were the shadows, and his frustration were taken out on all those around him -- causing them to all back away. I eventually couldn't take it anymore either -- the not being anything to make him feel even slightly better, the not knowing how to help him, so I left. I left him alone in the dark. The void caused by his absence, that is still something that lingers even now, though it is something that has faded somewhat. I didn't expect him to forgive me for it, though it would seem he has and he found his way. But I can't forgive myself for it.
My best friend growing up was a girl named Kelly. Well, it really wasn't growing up. I wish I had had a best friend that I knew since I was just a little, little girl, but I had a boy I thought I loved all those years instead, but that is a story for another time. He is a chapter in my life all to himself, perhaps even an entire book. Kelly, her and I met in our last years before high school and bonded in our fear of the future. What carefree those days actually were, getting in trouble all at school together and spending all night on the phone and every weekend at each other's house. I was a strange little girl, but she and I fit rather well. It seems like another lifetime ago now. We went to different high schools, and as desperately as we tried to remain close we drifted apart. Slowly at first, and then entirely. She is married now, for a few years actually. She was incredibly young at the time, and it threw me for a bit of a loop when I received the invitation. She is happy though. Those scared little girls are gone now, however, and our lives are at completely different places. We talk every now again, but nothing much past the 'how are you?'.
Next was Shaun, but I'm going to skip over him for just a minute and go onto the person after Shaun. We'll call him Tim. There was a void after Shaun, and that is where Tim came in. I'm hesitant to say he was someone I'd call a best friend, but there were things I told him that I could tell no one else. What I liked about him was that if I said jump, he'd jump. If I was upset, he was right there. If I needed something, there he was. There was a comfort in it. He would push issues I would rather leave buried, and there is some gratitude there for him -- for making me confront that which I did not wish to. But such things are not meant to last, and he confessed that he had grown to care about me in a way I did not care about him. What a shame it is that we can't make ourselves fall in love with the people that probably would good for us. He got angry and lashed out, saying goodbye. And I don't blame him for it, it hurts to stay near someone you want to be with but doesn't want to be with you. It does. He disappeared, and I felt nothing for his absence. He texted me out of the blue a few weeks ago, with an apology in hand so we still speak, but there in a selfishness in wanting to talk about those people that would hurt him to hear about. And I'm done hurting him.
Shaun, now he is who I miss more than anyone. I've always gotten along much better with guys, I think. Not to say I haven't had a great deal of female friends, guys have just been easier to connect with. It was a few years ago so I don't quite remember how him and I fell together, as I remember knowing him for a rather long time but never actually talking. It was rather sudden, one day we were pretty close to strangers and the next we were inseparable. I think it may have had to do with him wanting to date a close friend of mine, but there is no certainty in that. Regardless, he was who I ran to. He was my person. The world would upset me for whatever reason and the first person I would seek out was him. Even just his presence was a comfort to me. He shared my somewhat warped sense of humor and we fit, not in a romantic way, but he was a kindred spirit. Through his rather hard break-up with a friend of mine, and my denial in caring for the guy I was entangled with at the time, we forged a rather close friendship. There is something to be said for the person who will spend an entire summer with you, sitting on a shitty, for lack of a better word, video game until the sun came up and never run out of words to say. We talked of everything, and he understood me in a way I don't think anyone else ever has. In the end, there were shadows that, despite my every effort, I could not save him from. Our fallout, I remember the arguments and I remember them tearing me apart. My ability to fake my indifference when my pride is on the line, that may end up being my undoing just yet. I remember the frustration at wanting so much for him to be happy and for him to see the light at the end of the tunnel I saw. All he could see were the shadows, and his frustration were taken out on all those around him -- causing them to all back away. I eventually couldn't take it anymore either -- the not being anything to make him feel even slightly better, the not knowing how to help him, so I left. I left him alone in the dark. The void caused by his absence, that is still something that lingers even now, though it is something that has faded somewhat. I didn't expect him to forgive me for it, though it would seem he has and he found his way. But I can't forgive myself for it.
