Is this truth, is this real, is there something more to feel?

[kaia]

Orientation is tomorrow at 8. That means I have to be up around sometime in the 7AM hour. I haven't had to be up that early in months? Maybe years. It pains me to know I'll have to be up that early two days a week for an 8AM class.

I should be more worried about the fact that my Financial Aid/Loans still haven't processed. I may have to take a semester off if this doesn't get sorted out, and I don't care. Well, it isn't that I don't care. I'm not just very particular about getting myself into debt. It is well worth it, I know, but that is just a tie that binds me to working until it has paid off instead of my adventures around the world, but not getting my degree has never been an option. It isn't an option.

But if I don't end up making it to the semester, I'm taking a road trip around the US. Well, I'll buy a few month train pass and go wherever I feel like going, so it'll be a train trip, but that's a technicality. My friends in Cali will be so happy if I make it out that way, which is top on the list. Plus, I am dying to go up to Washington/Oregon too. And Vegas. I don't even want to gamble, I just want to see it. I still have my vacation time at work too. I was planning on using it in November, when all the games I want to play are coming out so I can be the complete nerd I am and hole myself in my room for a week (OKAY, I'll go to class so I can sleep!) and still get paid while I play video games! How perfect is that?!

It feels like I'm coming alive again.

So work today, the first customer of the day, I get yelled at. And over a cellphone, because the man's wife couldn't speak for herself. And maybe people will get annoyed at my assumptions here, but whatever. I've had a glass of wine, so it doesn't matter. It annoys me when anyone, but especially women, can't speak for themselves. I don't think being passive is necessarily a bad thing, but neither is it good. Some people just naturally take control and some just like to go along with it. And that's fine. I'm not talking about consulting someone either, I mean not even thinking things through and letting whoever decide for you. I mean not even being able pick out glasses for you own son. She couldn't even talk to me about her son's glasses and put me on the phone with her husband, who proceeded in yelling at me about the prices. As if I can change it, or that we aren't THE cheapest around. AND have good quality to boot AND are amazing, awesome, fabulous people to deal with. It was funny hearing the falter in his voice as he realized that no, I'm not someone that will put up with being yelled at. My job says I have to be civil, not give you whatever you want. I'm not his wife, who obviously does. I actually felt bad giving the phone back to her, because I knew he was going to yell and I wanted to protect her from it. He was loud enough I could hear it, after that. And I wanted to snatch the phone away. I have to wonder how much he does that in front of their son, because he'll pick up on that.

My coworker has a similar husband, and I'm really not one of those people that will poke my nose in other people's business. I've met him, he's a creep, but she obviously loves him so I tend to keep my opinion to myself. After all, it is not my place at all to tell someone how they should or shouldn't live their life. But once in a while she'll start telling me about how awful he can be. And once, I remember saying something along the line of, "Don't you think you deserve better?" and she said something along the lines of, "Not all of can afford to be like you."

....What? I think that has been one of the few moments I've been completely speechless, not even my mind screaming at me. In that moment, I had no idea what to even do.

I think part of it was that I know what it feels like. I spent so much of my time growing up thinking I wasn't worth a thing in the world, and you know, there are still days that I might actually doubt my worth. Alex saw well to that, even if he never meant for it to be like that. But I wanted to scream at her that OF COURSE she deserves better. Of course you deserve to be with someone that values you as a person and not someone that is uses to make babies. Don't even get me started on that point for her. Yes, I mean exactly what I said there, and I know it to be a truth. But how do you make someone believe they're worth something? How do you make someone believe they do actually deserve better?

This is already too long. I was also going to talk about eyeballs exploding, yes really, and the adventure my parakeets had last night, but I've talked enough. It gives me something to do tomorrow after orientation. Plus one glass has turned into three. WHOOPS.

I think it is fitting that I do into orientation at my new university slightly hungover.

Comments

[raine-waver170.livejournal.com]

But I wanted to scream at her that OF COURSE she deserves better. Of course you deserve to be with someone that values you as a person and not someone that is uses to make babies.

This. Every woman deserves to be valued like that. No matter where they come from, what they act like, or what they've been through. I'm sorry that you've struggled with self-worth in the past, dear. Clearly you have grown a lot, for your coworker to see you as a person to be envied for your self-image.

I wish you the best of luck at college! Starting a new semester is always difficult. A road trip sounds awfully fun though....

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

Thanks. <3 I don't know if it is something that should be envied, but I do wish I could somehow get her to really take a look at where she is at and whether or not she really is happy.

Thanks again! ;D It is, and especially when it is at any entirely new university, but I'm getting the hang of it. The people there have all been so helpful.

[missplatimum.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, what an awkward moment with your co-worker. I think self worth is something that has to be developed slowly over time and if (like most people) you come across some loser who damages this process, then it can stunt or even stop this progress altogether. Its good to hear that you have over come your own issues with self esteem and worth. I hope that one day, your co-worker also gains the courage to overcome her own.

On a less serious note: I want to hear about exploding eyeballs!

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

And that is what I fear her husband is to her -- he knocks her down at every peg. She isn't skinny enough or isn't being a good enough mother, etc etc. If she wasn't a good mother, I don't know why he is trying to guilt her into getting pregenant again so soon when she obviously doesn't want to.

I hope that too.

Haha, I'll post about it sometime today if not tomorrow. :D

[gublers.livejournal.com]

I really hope that your loan comes through :)
*crosses fingers*

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

Thanks! They seem to be sorted out for the time being.

[piernine.livejournal.com]

I am naturally a paranoid person not like conspiracy theory paranoia but that something isn't right or jumping ahead of the curve and doing something stupid to prevent something.

I thought my financial aid wasn't coming in and it was really getting me worried. I had 3 days til the first day of school and nothing was paid for yet and I didnt want to get charged for the classes if my F-aid was absent. I immediately withdrew from my classes.

Turns out if i had waited one more day i would of had it but, instead i took a trip to California haha so it worked out to a degree i guess.

So anyway, best of luck with that.

As for the whole friend having an awful significant other, i kind of have a twisted perception on that. My boyfriend has a temper problem. He is a very misunderstood person and a lot of the time I take a lot of shit from him i never deserve. But broken down, I love him way too much to give up on him. I see the small changes he does to prevent himself from being ridiculous and I dont have the heart to give up on him. To any point, she probably could find better and you're going about the right reasonings about keeping it to yourself. I just wish she wouldn't take it out on you when you brought it up to her because now she's just being as bad as him.
^
I hope i made sense there but I just woke up and am kind of out of it. I may have read this all wrong and talking out my ass. But any case... yeah.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

That is actually what I was so tempted to do just a few weeks ago. Just tell them to hold everything and I'll start another semester, but as it stands right now, I'm good to go. There is still a chance of complications, but we'll see how it turns out. A trip somewhere isn't a bad alternative at all.

At least your boyfriend is trying to do better. I think that says a great deal about a person -- just making an effort. My coworker, either her husband is oblivious to how awful he is or he knows and just doesn't care.

Ha, I'm that way when I wake up too. ;D But nah, it made complete sense.

[gandolforf.livejournal.com]

What the hell, that yelling guy? Some people behave so oddly.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

I know right. Retail is just awful at times.

[andgracetoo.livejournal.com]

Good luck with school, I hope your loans/aid come through in time. I hate playing that game! But honestly, if they don't, I think traveling sounds far more appealing (have to say I'm jealous of that)!

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

Thanks! It has been an annoying process, but I think it is all sorted out now. There were a lot of people in the same situation as me at orientation today, so that made me feel a lot better.

[wunderaliceland.livejournal.com]

I have a coworker who is always breaking up and going back to this guy who keeps cheating on her and hurting her. I dont know why she doesnt see shes worth more than that. Hell, hes more than 10 years younger than she is. She needs a MAN not a boy!

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

Exactly! At my first job, there was this one guy that was pretty much "dating" almost every girl that worked there. At least the dumb ones, because they all KNEW he was off with someone else, but instead of you know, realizing he was actually a jackass they fought with each other. Over him. I don't get it.

[candacetrauma.livejournal.com]

Any kind of orientation makes me want to bang my head against the wall. I hope it went well!

Preach, girl. I can't stand when people can't speak for themselves, either. It sickens me - especially when it's a case like that and the woman is letting her husband do it and he's a complete dick.
I hate when people don't think they deserve better :\ It makes me so sad for them and what they go through on the inside.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

Thanks! It was actually a lot of fun, which was surprising.

I know. And I wish there was some way to help those people, to make them realize it, but there isn't.

[ahorashiikagome.livejournal.com]

School debt is actually the best kind of debt a person can have, but I’ll never understand it because any debt blows. I hope your Financial Aid /Loans get processed quickly and with no problems.

I cannot believe she couldn’t speak for herself. Her husband (from the sound of what happened here) must been extremely controlling, and you’re right. Their son is going to pick on it and, if not corrected soon, he’ll end up just like his father.

As for the self worth thing, I still have issues with it. More often than not, I feel like a waste of life, which probably isn’t helped with the type of family I was born into.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

I just hate being in any debt. At least student loans have low interest compared to more credit cards, but I would much rather just be able to pay everything off and not have to worry like I did at my college before. And thanks! So far so good, just waiting on a credit check that I'm not all that worried about and I'm all set then.

And it's so sad to know that'll happen to the son. Especially when you yourself can't do anything to prevent it.


I think everyone does, to an extent. Everyone is going to doubt themselves and there are still days I question my worth. Much more often then I'd like, actually, but I know I've gotten much better than I once was and that's all that matters.