You've got to find out for yourself whether or not you're truly trying.

[kaia]

Actual drunk post time, oh yeah. Two posts in one day too, I'm on it tonight.

I love wanting to talk about something, but having no idea what that something is. I should leave all my drunk typos in, that's a good thought. That isn't a post though.

The new Where the Hell is Matt comes out tomorrow. I can't even talk about how excited I am. Like, I'm looking more forward to that than any video game that has ever come out. I've already talked about that, but I expect tears tomorrow while watching it.

This whole summer, so far, for me has been about change. Like, instead of spending it playing video games I'm doing things. Instead of sitting around, I'm working out. I'm doing changes I've always wanted, and I'm happier for it. I'm growing, not necessarily up, because I want to be a little kid forever, but growing.

The thought that always comes back is, who would I be if I just booked a plane ticket and left? To anywhere, Egypt, Peru, Jordan, India, who would I be if I could only rely on myself? It is more than the book a ticket and escape scenario I've dreamed of before, it's, how would I change if the only person I relied on was myself? Being a continent or two away from familiar faces would change me, there is no doubt. Not being able to call up my dad at a moment's notice to save me, that would change me. I love my dad, don't get me wrong, but what would I be if I didn't have him there to catch me? Who would I be if I only had myself? What experiences would I have on the road? Who would I meet in those hostels?

As much as I try, I can't escape those thoughts. As much as life pushes me toward school and finding a job after, what if I don't want that? What if I don't want that "American Dream"? (And please, don't think take that as I think of it as bad thing, just, I think that people have to find happiness their own way.) I've had this idea of me in my head; this cultured person that has seen more of the world than the current me and helps where she can, a person that doesn't have one place to call home, she has many. I used to think all I wanted was the love of one person, and I'm realizing that, no. No, I don't want that. I want the world, and everything is has to show me. Having someone that understands me, has my back, that's great. It is, and I can't say there isn't a part of me that doesn't want it, but there's a bigger part that wants to wander.

I watched a documentary the other day called "A Map for Saturday" that follows a guy that quit his job to travel around the world. It struck a chord with me. I probably shouldn't have watched the absolute end, where there are interviews with people he meets in his travels long after their travels where they fall back into "real life", but there is so much to learn out there.

If I had the courage and whatever else I need, I'd book that plane ticket to the first place on the globe I point to, and I'd make a life from there. But alas, I'm much too much of a coward. Each place I go though, I'm gaining more and more courage. There is only so long you can want to do something before you do it.

I want another glass of wine at this exact moment.

Comments

[passionrlsusall.livejournal.com]

GOD you sound like me. Particularly me in my last year of college. I thought for awhile then that maybe I didn't need other people to be content, that maybe I could go off on my own. And I was working out then and lost a bunch of weight..

Now I've still got that wanderlust bigtime...I was THIS close to actually booking a ticket to Thailand and packing a small bag and just GOING a few months back. But at the same time I've recognized this need to have someone to be close with, only one is fine, but that special person....I need that too. And I don't know how to reconcile trying to find that but at the same time up and moving so often. Unless I met someone somehow and they wanted to come along with me, and could.

Good for you for being proactive, for feeling better.

And yay, that'll be nice to see a new video.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

Ha, and I am in my last year of college, at least undergrad. I think the hardest part, other than the courage, is leaving the people I do know behind for a time. I mean, I'd Skype my family when I could and my close friends, but I want to go out and see. Plus, I think I'd meet so many more people on my own since I'd be looking for company. Even if I don't go for the long-term, I'm at least going to go for a few weeks at a time once I finish my degree.

It is up and it is amazing. <3

[passionrlsusall.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I meant last year of my undergrad too (5 years ago). Sadly, the leaving people thing wasn't a big issue for me.. I don't get emotionally attached to people much..at least I don't let myself, or I have feelings from afar but don't seek them out.

Yeah, I think some people should do that more...fit in trips when they have spots of time open, realizing they can go anywhere if they want (I'm currently thinking of my mom)

Oh good, I'll watch.

[ragnarok-08.livejournal.com]

Good for you for being proactive :)

I have wanderlust bigtime.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :D

[giallarhorn.livejournal.com]

Drunk posts are the best, ngl.

I think one of the scariest things about just...well, getting up, or leaving in general or moving, really, is that you're then out on your own. But in a way, being that loose and disconnected from people around you and your setting, so to say, is a little scary. But even so, it's good that you're willing to just take that scary first step out the door :D

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

I'm one of the weird people that for the majority of my drinking, I'm more coherent than I normally am. Then, it just suddenly goes down hill and I pass out and/or can't really talk anymore.

Yeah, the first step is always the hardest. Going into the city alone for the first time wasn't as bad as I was letting my mind think it was going to be. I was just thinking about all the negative and would talk myself out of things, time to start taking the leap more and seeing where I end up.

[passionrlsusall.livejournal.com]

Just watched the newest Matt video, and I'm literally crying :'D

Have you seen this? http://youtu.be/auNSrt-QOhw

I love these videos so much! What proof of love and good little things in the world.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

I totally cried too. I didn't think he'd ever be able to top his second video, and the newest one truly does. There is something so moving about seeing all these people get together just to dance.

Omg, I hadn't. Wow at some of those near the end, the guy pushing that car out of the way, holy crap. And that guy dancing while cleaning, lol, him and I would totally be friends.

It is so easy to just focus on all the negative that is out there, seeing things like that just make me feel so better. Awesome people exist everywhere.

[candacetrauma.livejournal.com]

I've wished many times that I could just get on a plane and go somewhere totally different, even if it was just across the US. Reinvent myself, start everything fresh and do everything the way I wanted it. Then another part of me questions whether I would have the courage to do that.

I need to watch this documentary.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

It would be intereresting to see how it would change me. I wonder who I would be then.

It was really good and showed what being on the road is actually like.

[mcgoggins.livejournal.com]

I think we're a lot alike in the regard of travels. I've always wanted to travel. I'd point to a place on a globe, go read about it in our encyclopedias, and write stories about all my potential adventures there. I've done my fair share of traveling, but none of it has ever felt like "just get up and go" and obviously I didn't pick some random place to start a new life. I desperately wanted that for myself before meeting my other half and while I still think about it from time to time, even if I wasn't in a hardcore relationship, I think I'd be too much of a coward because there's a 50% chance of failing. That's way too high of a chance for me.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

I don't think I could completely start a new life, just because I do like my one here too. I would like to see how I would react completely on my own for a couple months in a new country though, especially one completely different from my own. I'm looking at possibily teaching overseas after I graduate and if so, I'll probably go to China so maybe I'll get to find out.