I'm not ready to lose everything I know I'm letting go of.

[kaia]

One of the things I had hoped to figure out on my trip was wtf I am going to do with my life.

For the record, I still have no idea. I probably never will.

I don't know if I'm just expecting too much, but I really want to find a career that I just love, that I'm passionate about. I want to feel like I'm doing something worthwhile, rather than just making money. Like that quote up there says, I want a life I don't need a vacation from. Maybe that's impossible.

People like to joke to me about my trip. "Well, you did just get home from a five month vacation." The thing is, it wasn't a vacation to me. It was just me, living. It wasn't about going to see the sights, though many of them were quite impressive. It was about finding enjoyment in even the smallest moments. Honestly, some of my happiest moments were just sitting at a cafe with whoever I happened to have met that day. The grind for money, all the drama that life brings, none of it mattered. Life being at it's simplest was when I was happiest.

The next adventure is South America, without a doubt. This time it isn't a question of can I do it, or will I do it. It is just a matter of when.

I don't want to be waiting to live again until then though. I want to feel alive while I'm here too. It is amazing how simple life seemed when I wasn't home, and how difficult it can feel while here. It isn't to say that I'm unhappy currently, but there is this severe boredom that sets in every few days.

I'm hoping when all the summer festivities get into full swing it disappears entirely. 

Comments

[lostii.livejournal.com]

I honestly feel like I could've written this because I know exactly where you are coming from.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

<3

I totally thought at 25 I would have it all figured out. NOPE, haha.

[night-owl-9.livejournal.com]

I identify with this so much. I really admire that you were able to take joy in the simplest of things on your trip. Doing that is something that's lost on a lot of people, myself included.

I have a semblance of an inkling of an idea of what I want to do with my life: to work as an actor in professional theatre and to be an editor of a literary journal. Neither of these might happen. I'm going to try to go in the direction of those careers, however idiotic it may sound. All I can do, I guess, is to live in the moment.

[nadirri.livejournal.com]

An actor or/and an editor sound like amazing, fulfilling and meaningful careers. Nothing idiotic about them at all. I am kinda jealous that you have a direction.
I personally don't even have the slightest hint of a direction. And i have pretty much no hope that i ever will.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

I kind of feel the same way. I don't know if I'll ever know where I'm going, and there are times I wonder if I'm just happier that way anyway.

[nadirri.livejournal.com]

That's an interesting thought. That there is something about wandering aimlessly and cluelessly.

[night-owl-9.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I really appreciate that I don't know...for some reason both careers sound like pipe dreams whenever I think about them. Doesn't mean they're not worth going for :)

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

It really is amazing the difference some distance makes. All of the stuff that makes life seem so complicated just seems so small when it's far away. It definitely isn't as easy now.

I agree with nadirri, both sound like amazing careers! They don't sound idiotic at all. I am also kind of jealous that you have a direction. ;D

[night-owl-9.livejournal.com]

So true. So very true.

Thank you! :D

[ragnarok-08.livejournal.com]

I understand how you feel - so much; I'm really glad that you were able to enjoy the simplest parts of your trip :)

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

Thanks. <3 It is one of the things I miss the most.

[sestra.livejournal.com]

It's not impossible at all. I hope you find something you're passionate about that'll make you excited to get out of bed every day :)

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

Thanks. <3 I do too. I don't know what it is, or if I'll find it, but I have hope that maybe one day.

[shedeliberates.livejournal.com]

Life is about the journey. I think your twenties are for figuring things out. Even beyond that sometimes. Society just puts that pressure to do things in a timeline: high school, college, real job, marriage, kids etc. But the reality is life isn't that way and everyone is different. I say follow your heart :)

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

Society really does. "You're 25, aren't you thinking about settling down yet?" I've heard that more than once, and no. I really am not. I'm happy doing just what I'm doing. Every moment might not be awesome, but without those bad ones I wouldn't have the good ones.

Sometimes it does feel like there is all this stuff I should be doing because everyone else is, but I don't want to do any of it, like get married or have kids.

You are completely right, everyone is different and even if I sometimes feel that way, I know I'm happier for being how I am. <3

[shedeliberates.livejournal.com]

I am glad you are staying true to yourself. I used to feel bad as well when I would compare myself to others. I try not to anymore as we all have different journeys and experiences.

[saturnsdaughter.livejournal.com]

This is exactly where I'm at right now. Stuck at a job that keeps money in my bank account but ultimately leaves me unfulfilled. I want to get up every day and feel like what I'm doing actually matters in the grand scheme of things. But I have no idea what that could be yet.

[duskyn.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I have no idea at all. Sometimes, I don't know if I actually ever will find that. I'm okay with where I'm at for right now, but there will come a time I have to go. Maybe by then I'll have at least an idea.