The sky is full of dreams, but you don't know how to fly.
Semi-friends only. Read below. Otherwise known as all you can ever want to know about being my internet stalker!
Jk, jk.
( I know this place. )
Semi-friends only. Read below. Otherwise known as all you can ever want to know about being my internet stalker!
Jk, jk.
( I know this place. )
Answer for question 4228.
[Error: unknown template qotd]Normally I don't even notice these questions, but this one today is very relevant to my current place in life.
My job.
To answer the question, yes. I do think about changing careers quite often. Truth be told, I never thought I'd last over 6 months at my current job. 5 years and one location later, I'm still here. Sure, I had that 5 recess while I was in Asia but I came back to it.
And sure, the job changed A LOT about me. I am not the same person who started as I was when I first quit, and certainly now the same person now, but truth be told, I was not expecting to even be thinking about the company so many years later.
"What do you dream about doing?" God, if I knew. There is that odd thought about getting on a plane and teaching in Japan, Korea, or Vietnam for a time. There's that thought of working in a lab, mostly because that is what I went to school for. There is even that odd, jealous thought when I watch people, mostly in the creative aspect, so in love with they do that I wonder if I'll ever feel that about something, anything.
And the truth of the matter, and the last question, what stops me from making the switch? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move on from the comfort I currently have. Being somewhat arrogant, I am good at my job when I want to be. It's why I did it thought school, I made more money they my friends just because of how good with people I can be. Now though, the money doesn't hold up. Sure, I'd have my debt paid off in 3 years from now, but that's the thing. I don't WANT to be working where I am for the next 3 years. So that begins the first question, what do I WANT do tbe doing for the next 3 years?
I don't know. I went to school for Biology, and while I love certain aspects of it, I can't see myself going back to school for it. I can't see myself working in a lab all day, when that used to be something I loved.
My favorite days on campus were spent in the micro lab, trying to figure out which bacteria I was given. Those days were before I had gone to Asia though. Those days were before I had a chance to stop and breath, and think about what I wanted.
And the truth? I still don't know. There's thought of starting a blog. Not for money, but to push myself further and maybe figure it out. There's wishing I was where I was a year ago, which was somewhere in Asia. There is this fascination with writing, when I think I'm not even all that good at it. There is this want to connect with people beyond what I do now. There is something pulling me in every direction, and no knowing which to go, of not even knowing how to go.
The thought train and vodka are running out of steam now.
My job.
To answer the question, yes. I do think about changing careers quite often. Truth be told, I never thought I'd last over 6 months at my current job. 5 years and one location later, I'm still here. Sure, I had that 5 recess while I was in Asia but I came back to it.
And sure, the job changed A LOT about me. I am not the same person who started as I was when I first quit, and certainly now the same person now, but truth be told, I was not expecting to even be thinking about the company so many years later.
"What do you dream about doing?" God, if I knew. There is that odd thought about getting on a plane and teaching in Japan, Korea, or Vietnam for a time. There's that thought of working in a lab, mostly because that is what I went to school for. There is even that odd, jealous thought when I watch people, mostly in the creative aspect, so in love with they do that I wonder if I'll ever feel that about something, anything.
And the truth of the matter, and the last question, what stops me from making the switch? I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move on from the comfort I currently have. Being somewhat arrogant, I am good at my job when I want to be. It's why I did it thought school, I made more money they my friends just because of how good with people I can be. Now though, the money doesn't hold up. Sure, I'd have my debt paid off in 3 years from now, but that's the thing. I don't WANT to be working where I am for the next 3 years. So that begins the first question, what do I WANT do tbe doing for the next 3 years?
I don't know. I went to school for Biology, and while I love certain aspects of it, I can't see myself going back to school for it. I can't see myself working in a lab all day, when that used to be something I loved.
My favorite days on campus were spent in the micro lab, trying to figure out which bacteria I was given. Those days were before I had gone to Asia though. Those days were before I had a chance to stop and breath, and think about what I wanted.
And the truth? I still don't know. There's thought of starting a blog. Not for money, but to push myself further and maybe figure it out. There's wishing I was where I was a year ago, which was somewhere in Asia. There is this fascination with writing, when I think I'm not even all that good at it. There is this want to connect with people beyond what I do now. There is something pulling me in every direction, and no knowing which to go, of not even knowing how to go.
The thought train and vodka are running out of steam now.
(no subject)
I can't think of a better way to have spent a Sunday night than with wine and Just Dance.
These days you don't know who you are.
Blame WoW for me being away for a while. I would be lying if I said it wasn't amazing to have been lost in Azeroth again for a while. WoW was always so good at getting me to forget about the things that bothered me.
I realized I go from one extreme to the other; I'll fly half-way across the world for months and then I'll sit around and not go anywhere other than my house for months. I haven't even been going out with friends when invited. I just kind of avoid it. I didn't even go hiking this fall, and I LOVE hiking in the fall.
I go through these cycles now. I'll be happy and hopeful for a few weeks, thinking about how okay life currently is. Then, I'll get weeks where I resent having to go into work. I'll inwardly curse every person that pulls up to the store. Right now, I'm just getting back into the happy feelings. It is probably Christmas, to be honest. I used to love Christmas, then I started working at a mall. I don't know how you can work at a mall and love Christmas.
This is all over the place. It's like, I'm not sad right now, but I'm not really happy either. And I don't know what will change that.
I realized I go from one extreme to the other; I'll fly half-way across the world for months and then I'll sit around and not go anywhere other than my house for months. I haven't even been going out with friends when invited. I just kind of avoid it. I didn't even go hiking this fall, and I LOVE hiking in the fall.
I go through these cycles now. I'll be happy and hopeful for a few weeks, thinking about how okay life currently is. Then, I'll get weeks where I resent having to go into work. I'll inwardly curse every person that pulls up to the store. Right now, I'm just getting back into the happy feelings. It is probably Christmas, to be honest. I used to love Christmas, then I started working at a mall. I don't know how you can work at a mall and love Christmas.
This is all over the place. It's like, I'm not sad right now, but I'm not really happy either. And I don't know what will change that.
House on fire, leave it all behind you.
So, it wasn't the next day but here is Star Lord in all his glory. It was cloudy so you can't see the sparkles, which are one of the main reasons I even named him Star Lord. But that's my new car.
It actually felt much better to buy a car than I thought. I never really understood how people could get attached to their cars, but oh, I totally do now. Me and him, we're going places.
It's kind of funny and slightly sad, but when I was younger I could go days without really leaving the house. Well, my room, in particular. I didn't really wander around my house either. There were summers in high school I didn't go anywhere, and I don't remember it ever affecting me. I don't remember ever getting depressed or even lonely. It was how I preffered it. I was a self-proclaimed hermit, and it worked back then.
I had three days in a row off from work last week, kind of like a mini-vacation. Despite plans to actually go out and do something, I didn't. I stayed here, and that was great for about a day and a half. Then this weird, awful feeling started creeping up on me. There will always be days I just wake up and wish I didn't have to get out of bed. For whatever reason, there are just days that aren't good. Thankfully, those do tend to be few and far inbetween. This wasn't one of those feelings. It was one of those dark, awful types of feelings that I used to be so good at pretending weren't there and would just go away if I sat at my computer long enough. And they always did, somehow. This time though, it didn't start going away well into a few days of being back at work.
The funny thing is that my downfall now is when I get time to stop and think. When I was in Asia, that was a positive thing. Maybe it was all the long bus rides or actually sitting down almost every day to write something, but everything seemed so clear then. I'd go home and I'd get a job that pays more than my old job, and I'd pay off all my loans. I'd be gone again in another year. Or, at the very least, I wouldn't be exactly where I was four years ago. I remember looking out those bus windows so clearly and just being content to watch the scenery go by as the karaoke blasted in the background.
And in some ways, I'm not exactly where I was four years ago. I can't say I'm the same person I was back then. I'm not at the same store. I'm a manager, which is forcing me to not be so complacent. I can't put things off or pass off trouble customers to the managers anymore. Hopefully, once I get my tax check back I'll be able to pay off all of my Parent PLUS loan and only (lol only) have the loans in my name. And ideally, paid off in 3-4 years at my current rate.
It's just 3-4 years is a long time. I don't want to be working at the same job for four years again. I want to find something that I am really passionate about. Or, pursue those things I am passionate about. I want to stop being afraid of change, and of leaving the past behind.
I do think I need that sense of unease I get at times. I think it'll be that that finally pushes me out of this comfort bubble and onto better things. That want to be better than I currently am is something I am incredibly grateful for, because it hasn't always been there. I think the fact I can't sit around for days anymore is a good thing, but man, there are days I really miss being able to just disappear into a video game and a bottle of wine and not come out for a week.
Is this what growing up is?
I lost your heart to falling stars that keep me dreaming.
My world is finally stablizing. I'm both relieved and slightly bored of just the thought of it.
I finally did all of the adulty type things I mentioned however many posts again. Though, I tried very hard to not do any of them. Procrastion doesn't work as well anymore. But, now I know more than anyone could ever really want to about buying health insurance. I also almost got yelled at by a person on the phone while handling the health insurance stuff and then told, with real sincerity, to take care of myself by that same person. It was kind of touching, in a slightly odd way.
I bought a brand new car that I named Star Lord, and now also know more about buying a car than I ever wanted to know. Buying a car made me realize just how accurate people are when they say that buying new glasses is like buying a car. I think I became a better salesperson from that experience. I was just looking for a picture of him to post and I don't have any, lol. Tomorrow! The freedom to drive wherever I want is there now. Though, I haven't gone far yet. The point is I can now. If I want to go spend a day lounging on a beach in Michigan, I can do that. If I want to take a road trip to California, I now have a car that can do just that. I didn't want to add more to my debt amount, but this is a car I'll drive for 10+ years hopefully. The knowledge that if I truly wanted to just keep driving to wherever I could is quite a comfort, actually.
And now, I just spend my time working to pay off student loans and get myself to the next destination. I would be lying if there wasn't a part of me that is happy for the stability and knowing that most days are pretty easy. I would also be lying if I didn't say there were days I wished for the uncertainy of not knowing what a day would bring on the road.
I still feel just as lost as before, but now I don't have anything else I need to be doing other than figuring out what in the world I'm going to do with the rest of my life and enjoying life as it is right now.
I finally did all of the adulty type things I mentioned however many posts again. Though, I tried very hard to not do any of them. Procrastion doesn't work as well anymore. But, now I know more than anyone could ever really want to about buying health insurance. I also almost got yelled at by a person on the phone while handling the health insurance stuff and then told, with real sincerity, to take care of myself by that same person. It was kind of touching, in a slightly odd way.
I bought a brand new car that I named Star Lord, and now also know more about buying a car than I ever wanted to know. Buying a car made me realize just how accurate people are when they say that buying new glasses is like buying a car. I think I became a better salesperson from that experience. I was just looking for a picture of him to post and I don't have any, lol. Tomorrow! The freedom to drive wherever I want is there now. Though, I haven't gone far yet. The point is I can now. If I want to go spend a day lounging on a beach in Michigan, I can do that. If I want to take a road trip to California, I now have a car that can do just that. I didn't want to add more to my debt amount, but this is a car I'll drive for 10+ years hopefully. The knowledge that if I truly wanted to just keep driving to wherever I could is quite a comfort, actually.
And now, I just spend my time working to pay off student loans and get myself to the next destination. I would be lying if there wasn't a part of me that is happy for the stability and knowing that most days are pretty easy. I would also be lying if I didn't say there were days I wished for the uncertainy of not knowing what a day would bring on the road.
I still feel just as lost as before, but now I don't have anything else I need to be doing other than figuring out what in the world I'm going to do with the rest of my life and enjoying life as it is right now.
We stared out at the world with the same gaze.
Today was my day at Chicago Comic Con. Pictures will come in time, but there are a moment I wasn't expecting to occur that I really want to talk about. This might be one of the few posts that has anything to do with any type of fandom.
To begin the story, it needs to go back with my relationship with Doctor Who. I watched it on and off for years, but never really got into it until Matt Smith became the Doctor. I was hooked from episode one, and made sure to watch it every week. At least, I did for the first two seasons with him. Once the 3rd aired, I never got around to watching it. I always meant to, but part of my was very happy to keep it as it was. Even now, the 11th Doctor feels like an old friend I could revisit if I needed. If times got rough enough, I would lose myself in a Doctor Who marathon of those two seasons, but I never needed to see the end of his time as the Doctor. Maybe, one day I will.
The moment that stays with me the most out of all of those episodes was the first episode with Craig and Sophie. The Doctor interrupts the home date the two are having, and gets to talking to Sophie. He asks her "What do you really want to do?" after she talks about her dislike of the schedule of work-weekend most people seem to follow. She says she wants to look after animals, and he asks her what is stopping her. Fear is one of the answers, and the conversation that followed has never left me.
"Well, perhaps that's you then. Perhaps you'll just have to stay here, secure and little bit miserable until the day you drop. Better than trying and failing, eh?"
"You think I'd fail?"
"Oh, everybody's got dreams, Sophie. Very few are going to achieve them, so why pretend? Perhaps, in the whole wide universe, a cell center is where you should be."
"Why are you saying that? That's horrible."
"Is it true?"
"Of course it's not true. I'm not staying in a call center my whole life. I can do anything I want."
And he just smiled back at her, with a look saying of course you can. As she justified her reasons for staying, so did I. The only difference I had was that I didn't have a reason to keep me there, other than fear. As she realized she could do anything she could want, so did I. As she fought against the thought staying in a place she wasn't completely happy in, so did I.
I promise this all connects to today. I wanted to walk by the autograph area at Comic Con. There was no way I was paying $200+ for an autograph from anyone, and I don't really have any interest in that anyway. There is nothing wrong with it, of course, but I would much rather prefer having a conversation over a beer than an autograph at a convention. I don't get a good feel for a person until I've sat there and had a conversation, and that is what I would love. That said, I know I won't ever get that chance. I caught a glimpse of David Boreanaz, James Marsters, Katie Cassidy, and Norman Reedus on our walkthrough. I was more than content with just being able to see them smile at whichever fan was in front of them at the time. I couldn't help but smile as I watched Sebastian Stan hug his fans. He really did have a sweetness to him.
Matt Smith and Karen Gillan were the two most people came to see. Hours before Matt was even there, the line was ridiculous. I wanted to do one last walk through that area, just to see if I could catch a glimpse of him. I didn't really know why, since I really hadn't watched Doctor Who in at least a year. Bragging rights was what my brain was saying.
"We aren't going to get anywhere near him." my sister said. We rounded a corner, and there he was at the table. I saw his smile, and I knew why something told me to walk by and it had nothing to do with bragging rights. That moment of watching that conversation for the first time came back to me, and while it wasn't the reason I was able to muster the courage follow my dream of travelling half way across the world, it was one of the catalysts that led to me getting on that plane.
In that moment I saw him smiling at another fan, I said a silent thank you to him for that moment. The moment I saw his smile in person, I knew it. That's all I needed. I didn't need to meet him. Though, I'm sure he would be a very charming and interesting person to meet. Just being able to have that silent moment, with him completely unaware, and being able to appreciate the impact a moment of his acting had had on me was enough.
I've got a restless heart burning up inside my bones.
It is amazing how much faster time seems to travel now. I've been home 3 months now, and it still feels like it can't be over a month. Next month, I'll have been back almost the entire time I was away. Days used to seem to last much longer than they do now.
I have some updates on my current goal of being more of an adult and doing all the super fun awesome stuff adults do, like buy a new car. I still haven't bought one yet, but I'm going to within the next month or so. I would really like to drive my own car to Comic Con and buy tons of nerdy stuff to put on it. I can resist as much as I want, but you know what having a car that I don't feel guilty about putting miles on means? It means beach time in Michigan, day trips to wherever is drive able from here, It may make me feel less trapped, because that option to just drive in one direction and go will be there. I can't exactly do that with my dad's car. Well, I could, but he'd probably come hunt me down. I could drive to California, if I wanted. I could drive into Canada or go to Vegas. I did say I wanted to see more of home, and there the option is.
I also might have what sounds like an awesome option for my student loans. Talking to Aussies on my travels about how awful student loans are was actually a pretty common topic, just because one of the questions everyone you meet asks you after you tell them you quit your job to travel is "What are you going to do when you go home?" and my answer was always "Work a lot and pay off my loans so next time I don't have to leave after a few months." Student loans just didn't seem like as big of a deal to most non-Americans. Which is odd, seeing as most of my friends are in the same sinking boat I am. I will always be grateful for community college because my debts are much lower than most of my friends. I can't even imagine having 80k+ in loans, but I have friends that do.
In Australia (and correct me if I'm wrong, just going off of what people I've met have said), I guess repayment is based off of income. If you don't make enough, you don't have to pay right then and you don't start paying until you are making enough that you can pay them off. How smart is that? I'm sure there are downsides of it too, but that would really help the people that do struggle with finding a job after college. I guess there is something like that now here too. Maybe it has always been there, but I don't remember anyone ever telling me about it and that is pretty important information. There are so many people that struggle right out of college and then to be drowned in student loans makes it even worse.
Right now, I'm in the process of seeing if that would be a good option for me and bring my monthly payments down. I can pay the monthly payment, but ideally, I'd like to get my PLUS loan completely gone by the end of the year. Once that is out of there, I can put that monthly payment into my bigger loan or not have to pay as much on the slow months at work. I think the biggest issue with it is in the long run you do pay more interest, but I still plan on paying it off in less than the 10 years. It would just ease of some of my financial woes if I only had that one student loan to worry about.
k, boring loan stuff gotten out. You know what is in like 20 days? CHICAGO COMIC CON, SO PSYCHED.
I have some updates on my current goal of being more of an adult and doing all the super fun awesome stuff adults do, like buy a new car. I still haven't bought one yet, but I'm going to within the next month or so. I would really like to drive my own car to Comic Con and buy tons of nerdy stuff to put on it. I can resist as much as I want, but you know what having a car that I don't feel guilty about putting miles on means? It means beach time in Michigan, day trips to wherever is drive able from here, It may make me feel less trapped, because that option to just drive in one direction and go will be there. I can't exactly do that with my dad's car. Well, I could, but he'd probably come hunt me down. I could drive to California, if I wanted. I could drive into Canada or go to Vegas. I did say I wanted to see more of home, and there the option is.
I also might have what sounds like an awesome option for my student loans. Talking to Aussies on my travels about how awful student loans are was actually a pretty common topic, just because one of the questions everyone you meet asks you after you tell them you quit your job to travel is "What are you going to do when you go home?" and my answer was always "Work a lot and pay off my loans so next time I don't have to leave after a few months." Student loans just didn't seem like as big of a deal to most non-Americans. Which is odd, seeing as most of my friends are in the same sinking boat I am. I will always be grateful for community college because my debts are much lower than most of my friends. I can't even imagine having 80k+ in loans, but I have friends that do.
In Australia (and correct me if I'm wrong, just going off of what people I've met have said), I guess repayment is based off of income. If you don't make enough, you don't have to pay right then and you don't start paying until you are making enough that you can pay them off. How smart is that? I'm sure there are downsides of it too, but that would really help the people that do struggle with finding a job after college. I guess there is something like that now here too. Maybe it has always been there, but I don't remember anyone ever telling me about it and that is pretty important information. There are so many people that struggle right out of college and then to be drowned in student loans makes it even worse.
Right now, I'm in the process of seeing if that would be a good option for me and bring my monthly payments down. I can pay the monthly payment, but ideally, I'd like to get my PLUS loan completely gone by the end of the year. Once that is out of there, I can put that monthly payment into my bigger loan or not have to pay as much on the slow months at work. I think the biggest issue with it is in the long run you do pay more interest, but I still plan on paying it off in less than the 10 years. It would just ease of some of my financial woes if I only had that one student loan to worry about.
k, boring loan stuff gotten out. You know what is in like 20 days? CHICAGO COMIC CON, SO PSYCHED.
It all starts here.
There are things I really need to change. Some of those things are becoming more and more apparent as the days go on, and that's good. It means that I can't fall into the normal laziness that'll take over. At times, it feels like I'm back in school with papers and finals I should be doing looming somewhere in the background while I pretend they're not there. Now, it's just things I want to do but somehow don't "have the time for."
I am one of those people that need goals. If I don't have goal, I'll just sit around and do whatever. Days like that are great, and I need those once in a while. Let's be real though, I don't need them on EVERY day off. My days off actually leave me more miserable than days at work, at least the normal ones. Last night I drove home with the music blaring and a gorgeous sunset as the background, and I was happy. The night before that I was sitting in my chair, sick to my stomach with all the food and alcohol that had been consumed wondering wtf in life I was doing. Eating WAY too much obviously. Being too full is one of my least favorite feelings, and not the satisfied full you get from eating a really good, filling meal. Oh no, not that full. The one you get if you eat an entire Pizza Hut pizza (though that isn't actually what I ate that day) and want to die because how awful it feels. Yeah, that's the full we're talking about.
Thinking about it yesterday, any of my miserable days are my own doing. Sure, there are certain things out of my control like the healthcare thing, shitty customers coming into work, etc etc, but my worst days are because of the things I'm doing, or not doing.
I could very easily blame my wanderlust and my dreams of elsewhere. I would be lying if they weren't there, but they've always been there. They will always be there. I asked myself last night, "Would you want to be getting on the plane tomorrow?" And the answer is no. Would I like to eventually? Yes, and I know I will. It isn't just a dream, I know it'll happen, but just because it isn't happening right now doesn't mean my current situation is bad. There are things I want to change about myself and things I still need to do before I go on another big adventure. Yeah, life was much easier when my day consisted of wandering through the streets of Istanbul and taking videos of all the crazy birds that inhabit that city, but they memory wouldn't be so special if that was everyday.
I've always been that way though, looking out to and counting on the future to be amazing. I never planned much for it, but it seemed I was always waiting for it.
This is the perfect time in my life to focus entirely on myself and becoming a better person. Being 25 was the biggest year of my entire life, and I seem to forget that. 26 is just starting, and it can be even more amazing. I just have to stop focusing on the negative. I have to stop being complacent about the things about myself and my life I'm not happy about. I'm the only one with the power to change them.
I am one of those people that need goals. If I don't have goal, I'll just sit around and do whatever. Days like that are great, and I need those once in a while. Let's be real though, I don't need them on EVERY day off. My days off actually leave me more miserable than days at work, at least the normal ones. Last night I drove home with the music blaring and a gorgeous sunset as the background, and I was happy. The night before that I was sitting in my chair, sick to my stomach with all the food and alcohol that had been consumed wondering wtf in life I was doing. Eating WAY too much obviously. Being too full is one of my least favorite feelings, and not the satisfied full you get from eating a really good, filling meal. Oh no, not that full. The one you get if you eat an entire Pizza Hut pizza (though that isn't actually what I ate that day) and want to die because how awful it feels. Yeah, that's the full we're talking about.
Thinking about it yesterday, any of my miserable days are my own doing. Sure, there are certain things out of my control like the healthcare thing, shitty customers coming into work, etc etc, but my worst days are because of the things I'm doing, or not doing.
I could very easily blame my wanderlust and my dreams of elsewhere. I would be lying if they weren't there, but they've always been there. They will always be there. I asked myself last night, "Would you want to be getting on the plane tomorrow?" And the answer is no. Would I like to eventually? Yes, and I know I will. It isn't just a dream, I know it'll happen, but just because it isn't happening right now doesn't mean my current situation is bad. There are things I want to change about myself and things I still need to do before I go on another big adventure. Yeah, life was much easier when my day consisted of wandering through the streets of Istanbul and taking videos of all the crazy birds that inhabit that city, but they memory wouldn't be so special if that was everyday.
I've always been that way though, looking out to and counting on the future to be amazing. I never planned much for it, but it seemed I was always waiting for it.
This is the perfect time in my life to focus entirely on myself and becoming a better person. Being 25 was the biggest year of my entire life, and I seem to forget that. 26 is just starting, and it can be even more amazing. I just have to stop focusing on the negative. I have to stop being complacent about the things about myself and my life I'm not happy about. I'm the only one with the power to change them.
Elevate and leave the flickering screen.
I almost didn't go to Pride this year. Even getting up, I almost just went right back to sleep.
I'm so happy I didn't.
Just being there on that train into the city, with noise all around me and random conversations striking up here and there, I was in my element. Just being some random face in the crowd again, I missed that. There were a few people in the crowd that knew my name, but I didn't run across any of them. In some ways, I'm really happy about that. I like seeing my friends, but I missed that feeling of being solo so much. I said it before, but I tend to miss so much when I have people I know around me. Like, my eyes aren't completely open when I'm around people I know. I'm not the same person; I'm so much more approachable, and so much more outgoing. I think people get to see the real me when I'm alone.
Of course, the train was stopped not once but twice by the cops on the way into Chicago. In all the times I've ridden the train, that has never happened. The woman next to me on the train was telling me about how the last time she rode it something similar happened but someone had been shot. A normal reaction would be one of fear, probably. I kind of just shrugged, laughed, and posted about it on Facebook. What else can you do?
On the L ride there, there was a guy that couldn't even stand up to get off of the L himself. I felt so bad for the Korean tourists in that car with us; they definitely didn't pick the best day to ride the L and probably now think we're batshit crazy here. That's okay.
I moved much farther down to watch the parade this year. Normally, we'd just stick close to Belmont where all the craziness is. This year, I decided to explore closer to the parade start. When I finally decided on a place to stand, I met two people that I don't even know the names of but we spent the parade together, laughing, cheering, and sharing all of our loot with each other. Both of them had also come alone, so that was pretty awesome we all somehow met there. We all said we'd try to meet up right there away next year, so maybe!
Today was exactly what I needed.
I'm so happy I didn't.
Just being there on that train into the city, with noise all around me and random conversations striking up here and there, I was in my element. Just being some random face in the crowd again, I missed that. There were a few people in the crowd that knew my name, but I didn't run across any of them. In some ways, I'm really happy about that. I like seeing my friends, but I missed that feeling of being solo so much. I said it before, but I tend to miss so much when I have people I know around me. Like, my eyes aren't completely open when I'm around people I know. I'm not the same person; I'm so much more approachable, and so much more outgoing. I think people get to see the real me when I'm alone.
Of course, the train was stopped not once but twice by the cops on the way into Chicago. In all the times I've ridden the train, that has never happened. The woman next to me on the train was telling me about how the last time she rode it something similar happened but someone had been shot. A normal reaction would be one of fear, probably. I kind of just shrugged, laughed, and posted about it on Facebook. What else can you do?
On the L ride there, there was a guy that couldn't even stand up to get off of the L himself. I felt so bad for the Korean tourists in that car with us; they definitely didn't pick the best day to ride the L and probably now think we're batshit crazy here. That's okay.
I moved much farther down to watch the parade this year. Normally, we'd just stick close to Belmont where all the craziness is. This year, I decided to explore closer to the parade start. When I finally decided on a place to stand, I met two people that I don't even know the names of but we spent the parade together, laughing, cheering, and sharing all of our loot with each other. Both of them had also come alone, so that was pretty awesome we all somehow met there. We all said we'd try to meet up right there away next year, so maybe!
Today was exactly what I needed.
I'm not ready to lose everything I know I'm letting go of.
One of the things I had hoped to figure out on my trip was wtf I am going to do with my life.
For the record, I still have no idea. I probably never will.
I don't know if I'm just expecting too much, but I really want to find a career that I just love, that I'm passionate about. I want to feel like I'm doing something worthwhile, rather than just making money. Like that quote up there says, I want a life I don't need a vacation from. Maybe that's impossible.
People like to joke to me about my trip. "Well, you did just get home from a five month vacation." The thing is, it wasn't a vacation to me. It was just me, living. It wasn't about going to see the sights, though many of them were quite impressive. It was about finding enjoyment in even the smallest moments. Honestly, some of my happiest moments were just sitting at a cafe with whoever I happened to have met that day. The grind for money, all the drama that life brings, none of it mattered. Life being at it's simplest was when I was happiest.
The next adventure is South America, without a doubt. This time it isn't a question of can I do it, or will I do it. It is just a matter of when.
I don't want to be waiting to live again until then though. I want to feel alive while I'm here too. It is amazing how simple life seemed when I wasn't home, and how difficult it can feel while here. It isn't to say that I'm unhappy currently, but there is this severe boredom that sets in every few days.
I'm hoping when all the summer festivities get into full swing it disappears entirely.
You can't live life being second best.
I really thought coming home would be harder.
And don't get me wrong, there are moments I dream of that freedom that came with no knowing what I was going to end up doing next.
Just, on the road, I would meet so many amazing people. Many I had some type of connection with. "Oh, this person is really awesome. I would totally be friends with them!" or something like that was a common thought. Some, I'll keep in contact with for many years to come. Others, I'll never see again. There were a few men that had me intrigued in more than just a friendly way, but most faded away before I even realized they'd have an impact on me. And that's okay.
One of the girls I work with asked why I didn't stay in contact with the guy I had met in Istanbul, Riley. One understood when I said, "He'll stay amazing in my memory. I had that day and a half with him, and I'll always think back fondly on it. I don't need the awkwardness and drama that comes with more." Why can't I just enjoy the company of someone without needing to make it into more than just two people enjoying conversation and some hookah in one of the most gorgeous cities I've ever been to? And somewhere deep down, I whole heartedly believe that if something is truly met to be, I'll run into him again. And if I don't, I have those memories. And I'm okay with either. Life seems to have this funny way of working out just like it's supposed to
Being home though, I can have those connections with people and not have to say goodbye anytime soon. I really like the supervisor at the location I work now, and she is the sister of one of my favorite managers from when I first started that job 4+ years ago. I had no idea. But we can have those conversations about life and how fucked up the corporate world is, and I know she'll be there the next time I work. Finding out she is the sister of someone I have missed dearly made me feel like I was exactly where I'm supposed to be at this point in my life.
The doctor I was so fond of and so afraid of saying goodbye to, he works there at least once a week. Being there the entire day with him on Thursday and just falling back into our old banter was one of the best feelings I've had since coming home. I took for granted how nice having people that just KNOW you is. Having someone that knows how to make you smile, and laugh. I didn't realize how much I had missed that, and him, until those moments.
There is still so much of the world I want to see, but I'm pretty happy where I currently am.
I did not see that coming.
And don't get me wrong, there are moments I dream of that freedom that came with no knowing what I was going to end up doing next.
Just, on the road, I would meet so many amazing people. Many I had some type of connection with. "Oh, this person is really awesome. I would totally be friends with them!" or something like that was a common thought. Some, I'll keep in contact with for many years to come. Others, I'll never see again. There were a few men that had me intrigued in more than just a friendly way, but most faded away before I even realized they'd have an impact on me. And that's okay.
One of the girls I work with asked why I didn't stay in contact with the guy I had met in Istanbul, Riley. One understood when I said, "He'll stay amazing in my memory. I had that day and a half with him, and I'll always think back fondly on it. I don't need the awkwardness and drama that comes with more." Why can't I just enjoy the company of someone without needing to make it into more than just two people enjoying conversation and some hookah in one of the most gorgeous cities I've ever been to? And somewhere deep down, I whole heartedly believe that if something is truly met to be, I'll run into him again. And if I don't, I have those memories. And I'm okay with either. Life seems to have this funny way of working out just like it's supposed to
Being home though, I can have those connections with people and not have to say goodbye anytime soon. I really like the supervisor at the location I work now, and she is the sister of one of my favorite managers from when I first started that job 4+ years ago. I had no idea. But we can have those conversations about life and how fucked up the corporate world is, and I know she'll be there the next time I work. Finding out she is the sister of someone I have missed dearly made me feel like I was exactly where I'm supposed to be at this point in my life.
The doctor I was so fond of and so afraid of saying goodbye to, he works there at least once a week. Being there the entire day with him on Thursday and just falling back into our old banter was one of the best feelings I've had since coming home. I took for granted how nice having people that just KNOW you is. Having someone that knows how to make you smile, and laugh. I didn't realize how much I had missed that, and him, until those moments.
There is still so much of the world I want to see, but I'm pretty happy where I currently am.
I did not see that coming.
I don't know where I'm going, but I know it's going to be a long time.
First, I finally stopped being lazy and uploaded most of my pictures from my camera. There are A LOT. So much that I learned the limit that Photobucket puts on albums. For anyone interested, the three albums are here, here, , and here. The only things not there are my videos on the GoPro. Those I still need to go through.
Second, in just a few short hours I start my first shift back at work and I'm actually not dreading it. When I was overseas, the plan was to come home and get my old job back while I looked for something else. The thought of going back was not pleasant, but it was easy. Plus, I did have the best coworkers. It was just one of those things I figured would happen.
I'm not going back there though. I'm actually moving to a new location that I didn't even plan.
It started with a trip to Target on my first day home to see her best friend, and someone I had missed training there. It just so happens the doctor I worked with for 4 years works next door, so I figured I'd stop in there too. Well, I didn't even realize who the GM of that store was until I was there, and she offered me a job pretty much on the spot. I'm a big believer in things happening the way they're supposed to, so I told her I'd think about it. The last time someone offered me a job on the spot I worked there for 4 years and it changed me in some of the best ways possible.
I went back to my old store on the same day, feeling slightly like I betrayed them, but then I walked in. I knew immediately I couldn't go back. Somewhere, I left that place behind and I didn't even realize I had. Even without the job offer, I couldn't have done it. It was nice reminiscing in the lab, and it was nice falling back into that very easy banter. It was sad, knowing my lab manager really wanted me to come back. Something inside clicked though, and I knew I couldn't do it.
I don't know how well this will work out, but at least now I know I can walk away if I want to. A change of scenery while at home might be just what I need.
Second, in just a few short hours I start my first shift back at work and I'm actually not dreading it. When I was overseas, the plan was to come home and get my old job back while I looked for something else. The thought of going back was not pleasant, but it was easy. Plus, I did have the best coworkers. It was just one of those things I figured would happen.
I'm not going back there though. I'm actually moving to a new location that I didn't even plan.
It started with a trip to Target on my first day home to see her best friend, and someone I had missed training there. It just so happens the doctor I worked with for 4 years works next door, so I figured I'd stop in there too. Well, I didn't even realize who the GM of that store was until I was there, and she offered me a job pretty much on the spot. I'm a big believer in things happening the way they're supposed to, so I told her I'd think about it. The last time someone offered me a job on the spot I worked there for 4 years and it changed me in some of the best ways possible.
I went back to my old store on the same day, feeling slightly like I betrayed them, but then I walked in. I knew immediately I couldn't go back. Somewhere, I left that place behind and I didn't even realize I had. Even without the job offer, I couldn't have done it. It was nice reminiscing in the lab, and it was nice falling back into that very easy banter. It was sad, knowing my lab manager really wanted me to come back. Something inside clicked though, and I knew I couldn't do it.
I don't know how well this will work out, but at least now I know I can walk away if I want to. A change of scenery while at home might be just what I need.
I won’t cry for yesterday, there’s an ordinary world somehow I have to find.
Relevant gif is relevant.
I thought the end would feel different. Leaving my job, I thought I would feel something. Getting on that plane back to Chicago, I thought I would feel something too. I was just thinking about how much I did not want to sit in a plane for 12 hours, and when was dinner because I was hungry.
I like how big I make things in my head, and then when those moments come all I’m thinking about is food.
My last days in Istanbul, I kept commenting on how it didn’t feel like the end. My great adventure was ending, and I wasn’t sad. I should be sad, I thought. I wasn’t happy, but there wasn’t the crippling sadness I was expecting either. There was just this sort of acceptance, of knowing that it was time, and that was okay.
It took one of the songs I connect with leaving WoW behind playing to start playing on the plane for me to start thinking about why. Go with me here. There were times I would like to deny it, but WoW was a defining factor in my life at one point. Rather than be ashamed, I’ve started to embrace that. I would not be who I am right now if I hadn’t played WoW, and I like who I am.
Anyway, I still get nostalgic for those days now and again. There are days that I want to go back, and have tried actually. The thing is, those days are gone. They happened, and I have good memories from them, but no matter how awesome they were they are over. It is the same for this trip. I will always look back and smile at the memories, but I can’t go back to those moments.
It is a bittersweet ache, longing for days and places you know no longer exist. The places, sure, they’re still there. Places alone aren’t what make memories though, it is the people. I could go back to any of those places, and it wouldn’t cure that ache. The most important places to me tend to revolve around people met there.
Right now, I’m longing for those final days in Bangkok with my Songkran group. I miss Bangkok, but I miss that group so much more. There will definitely be a separate post on that, because Songkran was the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’m longing for sitting up on that roof in Istanbul with Riley, and watching his upside down smile as he would look at me while he lounged on the bench.
If I hadn’t left Bangkok, I would haven’t met Riley though. I wouldn’t have danced until 4am in the middle of Istanbul. If I hadn’t walked away from someone long ago, I wouldn’t have even of thought about getting on that plane.
One adventure ends, but it definitely won’t be my last.
(no subject)
I'm home. Honestly, I'm still trying to decide how I feel about it.
Turns out, people were right when they said that going home would make the trip seem like a dream. In some ways, it does, but I can still hear Bangkok, taste the pho in Vietnam, smell the durian all over Malaysia, and see the smiles of the people met along the way. It's all there, and that won't change.
The last week and a half of my trip was amazing. I don't think I have ever felt as alive as I did in some of those moments. I thought I was ready to write about it, but I guess I'm not yet.
Turns out, people were right when they said that going home would make the trip seem like a dream. In some ways, it does, but I can still hear Bangkok, taste the pho in Vietnam, smell the durian all over Malaysia, and see the smiles of the people met along the way. It's all there, and that won't change.
The last week and a half of my trip was amazing. I don't think I have ever felt as alive as I did in some of those moments. I thought I was ready to write about it, but I guess I'm not yet.
Have you ever had a feeling that we're not alone?
I was going to post something, then I got lazy.
Doing a lot of reading here, and I finally made a Goodreads account. Add me, so I can see all the awesome stuff you guys are reading and get ideas on what to read next.
Loving Borneo, and a real post will be inc sometime. For having seen Captain America in the theater three times here and mostly sitting around in parks/eating, quite a bit has happened. Some of it I think I'm still processing.
I knew this trip would make me grateful for what I have, but I had no idea I would realize just how free I really am, and have been my entire life.
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The stars will fade.
I think I just need to get the past few days out, and let them be what they were. I'm not proud, but nor can I change them. This will be long, and perhaps brutally honest.
I also am seriously considering giving up alcohol completely, but that part of the story will come.
It all started on the day I arrived in Kuala Lumpur. It was a rainy Tuesday, and I was rather glad to be back in a big city.
I should have known the moment I was almost bitten by a monkey on a motorcycle in Chinatown not even 2 hours after arriving that this city would not be a place easily forgotten. I do not yet know if that is a good or bad thing.
Without that monkey, I would have never met the English girl who has been at my side for most of this. We'll call her Rebecca. None of this would have happened had I just walked down a different street, or been wandering there even seconds later.
That night we ended up at an Irish pub. The only drinks we paid for were the first two beers, and the rest of the cocktails were on the house.
I'm grateful I have a high tolerance for alcohol, as the drinks just got stronger as the night went on. I am grateful I do know what my limits are, or that night would have ended in a much different way.
There is a thrill in dancing with complete strangers in a city you've just arrived in and in not knowing how to get back to your hostel. I would be lying if I said I didn't like being told I was curvy and sexy by some American men, that there wasn't a part of me that reveled in the attention.
I did not enjoy being kissed by two different men, or that the bartender had to step in when I wanted to leave though. I did not enjoy drunkenly stumbling through the streets alone, because my new friend was too entranced by the local guy she disappeared with.
I saw a girl I never wanted to see again, and she was me.
One of the American men said to me, as we were dancing, "You have to let me lead. Trust me."
"I have a hard time giving up control." I joked. After that night, I hope that will always be true.
The hangover the next day was well deserved, but the story doesn't end with that.
Rebecca messages me the next morning, having not gotten back to her hotel until 5:30am and with her local friend in tow. The details of that night didn't start coming out until today actually.
That night, he invites himself and his friend to join us at the place called the City of Lights. I didn't like it, and our taxi driver could definitely tell. I bit my tongue though, because it isn't really my place to judge. They take us to dinner, and pay. This drives me insane. I hate being paid for, especially when it isn't a date.
Long story short, we end up at a night club. I was very clear that I was not drinking, and she had said she was not either until he handed her free drinks. He tried really hard to get me to have one, but I refused. I left not long after that, and once again found myself walking the city streets after midnight, alone. This time though, I was well aware of my surroundings and despite being told it was dangerous, I made it.
And you know what? I had four people stop me on my way back, only wanting to make sure I was okay. The stares I get here may drive me insane, but the Malaysian people are some of the nicest I have ever met.
I'm trying so hard not to judge, but if you spend almost every night with this guy, he buys you everything, takes you everywhere while you have a guy at home, just no.
I don't dislike her, and I don't dislike him. I get it, in some ways. She likes being looked after, and that in itself is not bad. I have heard him talk about why he prefers Western women, and I respect that. It just frustrates me that she wonders why he wants to introduce her to his mom, why he called off work to spend the day with her.
She said to me today, "Just wait until this happens to you!" as if she is a victim somehow, and not just leading him on. Part of me wanted to retort that I wouldn't let myself get into that situation, but it sounded mean.
I stopped hanging out with her when he is there. He isn't a bad guy, its just hard to watch and I don't do well as a third wheel, though he especially seems to try to make sure I'm not. Sometimes, it is just better to avoid the things you don't like.
Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.
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Could be the changing of the seasons, but I don't love you anymore.
First off, I love Malaysia. I'm glad I saved it for last, because now it does feel like a vacation. People aren't trying to rip me off everywhere, food is amazing, the buses are fantastic, and most of the people are rally friendly. Not the fake friendly either, legitimately friendly.
Though, I did have an experience yesterday that taught me something about myself.
I'm currently in the Cameron Highlands, and supposedly the local bus was broken for part of the day yesterday. Rather than take a taxi, I decided to walk the 5km because I like walking, and that isn't very far.
I'm walking along, taking pictures and just enjoying the scenery when I hear someone behind me. I think nothing of it, and just ignore the guy as he walks by. That is, until I notice he is walking much slower than before and keeps looking back at me.
At that point, I figured he was either trying to steal something or was concerned I was walking alone, since you don't really see people alone here. He pauses, so I walk past him. Behind me, I hear him muttering to himself.
The normal reaction at that point was probably fear, but I wasn't afraid. I was just getting angry.
I turn to go up a hill to a strawberry farm, and to see if he follows or continues on. He continued on, but I decided to walk further up the hill for a while to get a good distance from him. I could see him constantly turning to look back, but he was gone when I came back down the hill.
I keep walking back on the main road for a while, and farther down there he is, sitting by a tree.
I'm pissed at that point. I just want to walk in peace, so I ignore him and keep walking. He immediately gets up and follows. I turn around, and look right at him.
"What do you want?" I ask. He kind of stares for a minute, and mumbles to himself again.
"I really like you." He finally says, followed by "Do you have a husband?"
Not what I was expecting.
"Yes." I lie. It's easier.
"Does it bother you I really like you?"
"Uhh, I guess not." What do you even say to that?
He just kept repeating it as we walked, and I eventually just told him that's too bad, and that no, I don't want drinks. I ducked into a store to buy a strawberry tart, and he disappeared.
Walking to the strawberry farm I actually wanted to go to, I saw him at the bus stop. He watched me as I walked by, but that time he didn't follow.
I hadn't realized how self sufficient I had become until that moment. There was no fear at all, I trusted myself completely. I didn't think he would actually do anything to hurt me, but I was ready if he tried. I always wanted to think I could take care of myself, and in that moment, I knew I could.
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Aren't we all just runaways?
I reached that point of "travel burnout." Planning the trip, I never thought it would happen to me. Travel blogs talk about it, but somehow I thought I was immune .
Yeah, no.
Who knows, maybe it was the annoyance of getting to Krabi Town after an overnight train or the different feel of Bangkok, but I was not happy to be back in Thailand. Everywhere it felt like people were trying to rip me off, or scam me in someway. At least in Vietnam they were open about it, and you didn't sit 4 hours in a town being herded into different restaurants.
I was so ready just to hop back on the train and roll into Malaysia, but the Thai islands were so close. I had to go to one, so here I am on Koh Lanta.
This is where I realized I'm not much of a beach person. I like them, and think they're pretty but I can't sit all day at the beach.
What Koh Lanta has been for me is a place to collect my thoughts. I did the beach thing, but I'm enjoying laying here in my air conditioned room much more, even if the walls are black.
Sometimes, I need a few days just to sit around, chat with my best friends, play mobile games, and watch YouTube. And that's okay. It's okay to not constantly be in motion, as I have been for a long time now.
I feel more ready for Malaysia now, so this 4 day pause has been worth it.
You're in my veins and I cannot get you out.
I think I left part of my heart in Vietnam. I almost cried on the plane.
I don't know if it is the post transit-blues, or that I said goodbye not only to an amazing country but also my two closest friends on the road today, but I'm tired.
Coming back to Bangkok has not been what I expected. The city feels different, or maybe it is me who is different. I'm sitting at the same hostel and it just feels off.
I certainly wasn't expecting the major protests lines as I left the sky train, or the overturned cars near Democracy Monument, or the camps of army officers along the streets, or being told to avoid the entire mall area.
None of that is what bothered me though. I knew the protests had gotten worse, and I'm in no danger. It was walking down Khao San Road (the backpacker road) and the feeling of disgust coming over me, which surprises me because I didn't mind it before. I couldn't get out fast enough, and without the coconut ice cream I had walked there for. I'm not exactly sure why.
I think travel cured me of my drinking problem.
I might be in Malaysia sooner than I thought.