kaia: (Lights)
2012-05-31 01:57 pm

She said the neon on the river will light my way.

(Posted at my LJ . I'm going to start cross-posting just so I have more than one place to keep posts.)

I've never been much of a planner. For most of my life, I've liked pretending the future was some far off, magical thing that I would one day find by pure luck. For instance, when I first signed up for classes at my community college and was asked to determine a major I sat there at a loss. "What do you MEAN major?" I remember myself thinking and I had no idea what to say. Everyone around me did, though. So, I boldly went up and said pre-med. The reason is the best part. I said pre-med because at the time, because I was obsessed with Grey's Anatomy and somewhere in my mind I was I was thinking about how if I become a doctor maybe I'll find my own Derek. Weird reason, go with me on this. Of course, I found out how much I hated Anatomy and Physiology and actually really don't like sick people, so that was thrown out the window. I also found out I don't even want a Derek (or anyone anytime soon), so that slightly delusional dream was also thrown out the window.

As I was saying though, I don't plan, and then I wonder why I feel like I'm not moving. You have to have something to move toward in order to move, even something small. I applied to my new university on a whim, and it has worked out, but I also wondered why I still felt like I wasn't moving. Here I was, at University finally, and not feeling very happy. It felt just like my community college. And I felt trapped. Sometimes I still feel trapped.

I've never known life without school. Sure, I've had summers but ever since I was five years old I've been in school. College was never a question, and so I signed up for my community college right away. This is the same reason I'm even considering grad school next year. I don't know what to do if I'm not in school. I don't even LIKE school anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love learning and I love hanging out with my classmates, but the pressure of tests, papers, presentations, etc and then walking out of a class not being able to tell you anything I learned? That's not learning. I don't know what that is, but aren't you supposed to have been taught something? That isn't every class I've ever taken, but the vast majority of them.

This is why if I go to grad school, I'm going to make sure it is something that I definitely want to do. And probably abroad. Actually, no probably. If I go to grad school, it will be abroad. It is well time that I pop the bubble I surround myself with and get out in the world.

So, I thought about what is most important to me as of right now. What do I want to accomplish? What do I want to focus on? And I narrowed it down to three. They're not the only things I want to do, but they're the ones that impact everything else; yoga, travel, and graduate. I'm keeping it simple.

I want that groundedness I gain from yoga, that calm. I want to keep improving in my practices and gain the strength to go more poses and gain that control over my body.

I want to travel the world, both near and far. I've started saving money. I used to randomly go to Wal-Mart and buy $20, $30 of things I don't need and while not that much money, if I stop doing that that adds up. I've cut back on drinking, because for as much as I love it, I also have been getting dangerously close to drinking way too much way too often.

I want to graduate. Like I said, grad school is up in the air, but I want to finish what I started. I believe education is important, and I do want my Bachelor's degree.

These are the things I'm going to focus on, and perhaps I'll feel like I'm moving again.
kaia: (Camera)
2011-07-27 10:43 pm

We put one foot in front in front of the other, and move like we ain't got no other.

Dreamwidth, huh?

There has been numerous sites just like LiveJournal I've at least signed up for over the years and most have gone under after a while. DeadJournal is the only one that comes to mind that is still around. But seeing as LiveJournal itself has been horrible to deal with lately, here I am.

I'm Dusk, or Kaia, or Kasey. I answer to any. The later is my real name, but I find it boring. Gamer, yogini, wannabe Vagabond, Biology student, vodka drinker, among other things.

I can kill you in Black Ops!

Actually, probably not, but I am totally great to play games with.

Serious note, I start a new university on the 22nd of August and I owe them 13,600 right now. I have maybe 3,000 in the bank. Whoops. I don't actually make that much in a year. I'm just waiting for Financial Aid to finally get back to me, but I'm trying to prepare for the worst. I've always thought I need to get my degree. I'm too book-smart not to, but lately that interest is waning. Not getting a degree has never been an option. Ever. School has always been an absolute in my life, no question on the necessity of it. And I still understand the importance, in security, in money, just overall, but what if that isn't the life that I want? What if I want a life on the road? What if I don't want to be bound by the amount of money I make?

What if I realize money isn't what makes a person happy?

"Money doesn't bring happiness, but it does bring a lot of comfort." A very wise women said that to me once, and she also said to me, "There is life outside of this county. Explore." I need to e-mail her.

What if I want to be like Matt , and go all over the world and just dance?

A better question than what if is why not? These thoughts almost consume me now. One day, self. I promise you.

If I don't end up having the money for school, or the Financial Aid doesn't come through, I'm going.